The Heart Whispers

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

The Heart Whispers

I've been thinking a lot lately and I've been feeling very very scared. Scared of where I am, where I'm going and where I may end up. Change, a trip away, sudden surprises and the re-ignition of mental flames we perhaps thought we had once quenched, can cause us to really reevaluate and question everything. 

I find myself in a gushing stream, no control over the ravaging current while being dragged along with the flow, but, it isn't that bad, it's grand, it's ok...I say to myself. 

Suddenly yet inevitably I hit a whirlpool and in the midst of drowning I breathlessly scream, 'how did I get here?', 'why didn't I do something about this earlier when deep down I knew it wasn't alright?', 'how did I allow this to happen?!'. But then the wind changes, the current calms, the tide turns and I can paddle away from the pain.

However, the whirling water haunts me and its memories reveal nature's previous warning signs of which I ignored; believing that being dragged downstream is a quality existence, that a life dulled by fear and pain is ok because at least I'm not drowning; I'm just about breathing, head above water, somehow floating and perhaps that's all I'll ever deserve...I've learned to accept that perhaps, that is ok.

Such whirlpools shock me into questioning my beliefs and into recognising self-denial until the waves and whirls of memory begin to dissipate and I become accustomed to the terrifying currents once again, regaining the thoughts of 'at least long last, I am getting to experience the sea'

Such recent events however, I am trying not to simply swim through. In a way, I want to dissect and hold onto this pain because these feelings are the only times I feel scared enough to not only grab a life buoy but to hopefully get out of the gosh dam water!

The whirlpool I am talking about was a recent trip away with my family. It was magical yet at times I felt so miserable. I don't know how to describe these feelings other than through metaphor. I felt trapped behind a glass bubble, physically there and present, yet, like so very often, never able to fully reach through. On this trip I realised just how much this illness consumes my every moment. The lights were on but there was very much no one upstairs heheh. 

I stood in the Grand Canyon, one of the most beautiful, exquisite, magical places on this earth; a miraculous wonder in our beautiful blue home. I remember very little except for the numbers 140. That's all that was on my mind. The tour guide had poured us drinks. I took a quenched sip before checking the calorie label. 140. 'One hundred and forty calories. He had poured in half the bottle which meant there was 70 calories in my glass, perhaps 65 as the top half of the bottle is thinner than the bottom but I shall estimate 75 just incase. I took a large gulp which means I have approximately consumed 37.5 calories, 45 just incase I should ever be too lenient with myself. However I had spilled some when I tripped over that dirt rock so perhaps I only actually tasted 38 calories but lets stick with 45 just incase, I can't risk not accounting it. When we leave I will jiggle my legs on the journey home as we sit and we'll probably be walking another 4 more hours tonight so I should definitely burn it off. Keep walking, keep moving, keep doing and never forget how awful you are. How dare you do that, you're so stupid, you're disgusting, you're going to balloon up, you're worthless, you're horrible'. This repeated over and over and over and over in my head, like a never ending disk stuck on repeat. Suddenly it was time to leave and I poured the other half of the drink onto the sandy ground as well as emptying the rest of the bottle. I remember nothing. I can't remember ooo-ing over the intricate crevices of the endless winding valley floor or gasping at the never ending height of the towering walls. I took photos, I smiled, I laughed but I wasn't there..instead I was in my head; terrified, worried, frightened..too much so to take in and experience the unbelievable moment occurring around me. 

oh how one small moment can contain such great power

I feel stuck in this realm of being yet never feeling; numb, jealous yet terrified of what it must be like to be fully alive. I feel I am sitting in a dark cold room, watching this life pass me by on a black and white film reel, hoping and waiting that someone will save me; that someday I won't be behind the scenes, that something will happen and I will finally be centre stage of my own life; feeling, sensing, breathing, seeing, hearing,

I think for so long I have been looking for a sign. For someone to pull me away and give me an answer or tell me what to do, but instead, I have been left screaming into the hollow abyss with only my own reflection staring back. Maybe that is exactly what I finally tune in and listen to my aching wrenching heart. For so long I have been denying her. Each time she echoed a truth in beat with my own perceived reality, I ignored her. For what can a heart know? This little life force is emotional, it doesn't consider the externalities of 'real' life yet perhaps that's the most beautiful thing about it. It looks at our sterile ordered world and extracts from it the truth. Void of rules and religions, apathetic towards status and symbolism, nonchalant in fulfilling roles or gathering riches. I believe that while our brains and mindsets have evolved, our heart has remained constant. Each pulse a perpetual pursuit of the one thing I believe it has only ever solely craved; happiness. And so, when I stopped..when I got really quiet and tuned into her pulse instead of humming the ticking clock of our racing reality, I finally heard her. She quietly but defiantly whispered 'I can't live like this anymore'.

I am living my life through Anorexia and not through Lauren. For so long I have been telling myself that that's ok. I have convinced myself that it is ok to live through this black tunnel, occasionally glimpsing the brightness of white light. I am still very much so convinced but I'm scared, my gosh I am so so so terrified. The physical pain shadows in comparison to the mental anguish yet I can't help but still question, almost every second, if this is all real or not. I am also so so terrified of the future changes that I am about to make in my life and the fear of choosing different paths and not knowing at all where I will end up. I feel so lucky because I'm alive, thus I feel such self hatred and disgust for even questioning and considering that perhaps, just perhaps, a life lived in fullness, aliveness and capable of experiencing the light and the dark, adept in transmuting pain into love and gifted in beholding the beauty of true laughter as well as the sorrow of sincere tears, rather than a life lived through the dull, senseless, restrictive chasing of death, may just be the life I want, and maybe even deserve. With each scary worry and fear of disillusionment I pause in sequence to my pounding heart and its endless truth; 'I can't live like this anymore'. 

Dearest heart, I have denied your callings for so long yet have screamed with distrust in reaction to life's unravellings, blaming the unjustness of this world, aching for answers when perhaps, indeed, such faults were on me, and you, have held the answer all along.

I hope you enjoyed this post and I hope you will listen to you heart today. Please leave any suggestions or questions below in the comments section. Thank you so much for reading!

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 lots of love & peace & happiness

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