Eating My First Bagel

(This post discusses my experience recovering from anorexia nervosa and may be triggering for some readers. Please read about my journey with this illness here before you continue.)

Fear; a human emotion which is supposed to protect us, to keep us safe, secure and free from the grasps of death. All fear, no matter what form it may take, stems from the terror of losing our own precious lives. Fear makes us run from the monsters of the night, towards safety, security and light...towards life! But what if the monsters are in our mind...how do we fight or fly away from them? 

I recently realised just how unique yet all too real each individual's fears are. While jumping out of a plane may seem terrifying to you, another person can make a living out of loving such a passion...yet that same sky diver may quiver at the thought of speaking in public. Why and how we develop certain altering fears perplexes me so much. I recently held a tarantula spider, it was scary yet it wasn't as terrifying as one may think. I felt the fear, I faced it and felt so proud! Later that day, my family and I went for dinner. I had googled the menu days in advance, I had picked what I would be having, I had scrolled through weeks of the hotel's Instagram photos to find a picture of the dish, I was terrified but it was all under control. When the waiter came with a completely different menu, I realised just how strong, terrifying and all too real my fears are. This is a story of how I faced a big food fear, a bagel.

I hope this helps to illuminate the unjust myths, defy the unfair stereotypes while also shut down the shame associated with mental illness. I truly pray this doesn't come across as a cry for attention, pity or sympathy! This is just a glimpse into my little experience over the past few years, an experience of which with every day on the twisty path to recovery is getting less painful and more beautiful! Everyone's story is different but also all too similar. The story you are about to read below could and may resonate with every single person who has/had an eating disorder. 

A new goal that was set by my team recently to work towards overcoming my fears was to eat a bagel for one lunch time every week. Bagels used to be a staple food of mine when I was a young girl; salmon, mayo and a wholemeal bagel was my go to lunch almost every day (I'm a plain Jane who loves routine hehe). 

Bagels embody so much for me. As I walked down the supermarket aisle with my mom to buy the packet, I tried my best to keep a narrow pinpointed vision. I used to spend hours in grocery stores when I was very sick. I couldn't walk into a shop without feeling faint. Every single sense would become so overwhelmed with fear. When I look at a piece of food I see numbers, grams, ounces and inches. My mind automatically adds, multiplies, subtracts and divides. Maths was always my favourite subject but I never wished for it to malignantly manifest its way into my life like this.  Now imagine being surrounded by food...the sensory overload became so much that I could not walk into a store without having a panic attack. In my first hospital admission, I worked with an occupational therapist. It took us two months of work, exposure and pain until I was finally allowed to leave the ward with her for an hour and complete my first shopping task. (This fear was probably one of the most minor aspects of recovery for me, nothing compared to the fears surrounding actually consuming the food and gaining the weight, yet overcoming it was still important!) I will never forget just how petrified I felt walking into Aldi. I had to pick up a share packet of Malteasers and buy it for the other patients on the ward. It felt like I was picking up a grenade of which could explode in my palms any second. Not only was my mind racing trying to figure out the volume of chocolate on each specific sweet, but, I was being seen. I was being seen holding food. That was a no no NO for me. People couldn't associate me with food...people couldn't look at me and think I ate...people couldn't view me as a someone who had to engage in a necessary and normal human function. I believed I had to be pure, perfect, empty...and to me food did not correlate with those desires (a belief I am still working really hard on breaking). Luckily I have come so far since then and while I still can't go into supermarkets alone without getting lost in a dizzying trance, I can help with the shopping and pick up everything and anything! On our pre-challenge grocery trip, I picked up a packet of the New York Bakery wholemeal bagels. I remembered how many calories they contained from my previous obsession of scrolling through Tesco's online shop, and, while their nutritional value terrified me, that was the challenge and it was something I was committed to doing. Suddenly I looked up and saw a different brand of wholemeal bagels...I freaked. This was not expected, this was not supposed to happen, why had nobody told me there was another wholemeal brand available?!? Had I accidentally chosen the higher calorie brand? I wanted so badly to analyse the other packet, to make sure I was ok, to ensure I was safe. I am so grateful for my mom who stopped me, held back my tears and helped me to think more rationally. A bagel is a bagel. End of.

The word 'bagel' itself holds so many memories and embodies such meaning to me, it makes me quiver how a piece of food can send you back through a terrifying timeline of past blurry and painful moments. The bread also brings me back to January of 2017, just before I was readmitted into hospital. I became so good at lying, deceiving and manipulating; I used to wear my special 'eating slippers' and would sneak food (mainly my staple bagel slims..I do not recommend they taste like burnt cardboard!) up my sleeves down my top and into the fluffy booties under my feet, safely hidden from the worrying eyes of those who loved me and buried deep down far far away from my grumbling, hungry tummy.

Wednesday was the day we had set for the challenge, a day I knew I was busy with lectures which would help to distract me after I completed the task. I was so scared but so ready to kick Ana to the ground! Preparing the bread, I subconsciously went to tear out all of the dough from the inside, as I did when I was 10 years old to ‘prevent a big belly'. I stopped myself and just wanted to run back to the little girl version of me and tell her to stop, to hold her and tell her that it’s ok. To tell her that she can't see herself properly. To tell her that she is worthy of love and care. To tell her that she is far too little to harbour so much self hate. To tell her that I love her. That triggered memory shocked me as to how this illness manifested in my life a long time before I, nor anybody else, ever realised. 

My dream is to go back to New York someday and that really helped motivate me to attack this fear head on. I can't wait to return fully free, healthy and happy and to gobble down a delicious authentic NYC bagel, yum yum yum! 

In the end, I did it. I ate it! It tasted like fear but also freedom, fun and flavour. Immediately afterwards, I felt really proud. I text my family and their prideful love made it all so so so worth it. This magical feeling was however fleeting, and later that night my mind had seemed to mist over with a hateful, terrified, dark and misty gloom...Ana was not going to let me get away with this. In a flurry of tears and shallow breaths I grabbed my phone and I wrote and wrote and wrote. 

"I feel so fat, ‘not sick’, unworthy and like a fraud. It feels like a massive beacon is flashing from my belly...an alarm that draws every ounce of attention to how big it feels. It feels like my thighs, arms and hips are spilling out. It's so real, how can this not be real?! I can see it, I can feel it, I can sense my body infinitely expanding, with every atom and every cell, like a balloon...but I have to believe that this is Ana lying. I have to feel the pain. You can’t just wish to be ok or hope that someday you will magically recover...you have to go through the agony and torture to eventually reach any point of remission. Right now it feels as if I’m willingly walking through fire and every cell in me is screaming in misery, all my body wants to do is run and cry and protect me...but my mind’s idea of protection is starvation and as alluring as it seems I have to trust and embrace that it will never ever save me. I have to walk through the fire, embrace the flames and hold trusting faith in the embers that this pain will not kill me, however, surviving it will slaughter this illness..this pain will reveal and foster the real true me. Like a phoenix she will rise from the ashes. I can’t wait to meet her and I can’t wait to be her. I can not wait to see and be the me who is free, happy, alive and in love with both life and herself." 

What is something that absolutely terrifies you? Since completing this challenge, I am continuing to eat a bagel once a week (at least) and it is thankfully getting easier and easier bit(e) by bit(e)! Is there something you could do to take you one small step closer towards freedom and one giant leap further from fear? Feel free to let me know in the comments below or you can privately message me (it makes my day getting such kind lovely messages from you, it means the world that these posts are helping people). I hope this year was a year of growth love and happiness for you. 

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

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I hope you enjoyed!

lots of love & peace & happiness

12 Life Lessons From 2018

Happy new year beautiful! It's been a while..I have felt a little uninspired, stressed and drained lately when it came to writing and so I decided to take a break for a little bit. I'm trying to treat this blog as a creative outlet or hobby, however recently it had been turning into a chore of which I had to tend to. I'm truly sorry if I have let anyone down but I love and care for this too much for it to turn into something that doesn't contain my true heart, soul and energy. 

The beginning of a new cycle around the sun often compels us to reflect on the days of the year that just so fleetingly went by. Like last year, I found myself questioning if we had known what destiny had planned out for us in 2018, would we have squealed in joy or shuddered in fear as the clock stroke twelve on the final eve. Would we tread carefully as the year began to pass or recklessly throw caution to the wind in the security of knowing that nothing could be done to alter our chosen path? However, embracing 2018 in blissful oblivion enabled me to learn, experience and grow in ways that pre-instilled knowledge could have ever taught me. Albeit, if I could hold past Lauren's hand and softly surrender secret suggestions, this is what I would tell her. (Also included are my favourite moments that were captured from each month).

January

I know you can feel you are losing yourself and I know you are pretending not to worry but it's ok that you're so scared. You can see what is happening but your desire for outside validation and approval is outweighing your own ability to gain self acceptance. You are too blinded by pleasing and such foreign, amazing yet daunting future memories that the unwilling shift occurring is going unnoticed within your own heart. Please don't change for anyone else. Of course you need to figure out who you are but please listen to your scared and screaming heart, it's most likely trying to tell you something. Evolution is necessary, we must all transform and metamorphose, however, make sure that these changes are what you want and need and are not uncomfortably out of your control. Let go, but please, at your own pace and time. You may have to hold or even hide your beaming light within, do whatever it takes, anything to avoid your sparkle being fully dulled.

Reminiscing in January.

February

You are loved. Let the right people show it to you and give it to you. Stop rejecting care and affection. Stop wondering if you really deserve kindness or if it's all fake. Maybe, just maybe, believe in what others think, say and do for once. You are so lucky. You have the most amazing people in your life. I promise this isn't a lie, these people don't secretly hate you. And no, you're not a fraud. You're not an imposter of whom's 'innate badness' is hidden from those surrounding. You're fragile and small and all too full of self hatred to even allow the possibility of love in. These people see the true you and they love her exactly for who she is. Focus on those who fully accept you for all that you are and for all that they believe you to further become.

My best friend Tracy and I at my birthday in February. This photo makes me so happy, I love her.

March

You don't always have to do what everyone else is doing. Listen to your heart and body intelligence. Allow your intuition to guide you. Sometimes you may have to delve deeper but more often than not, your actions need not an explanation. Your soul knows what's best for you. Nobody is you; no one thinks your thoughts, harbours your emotions or experiences your bliss and pain, thus, nobody can choose; only you.

Exploring new places and embracing new adventures in March.

April

The constant tummy pains and anxious heart is your soul screaming out under its repression. I wish you could realise that you aren't meant to nor deserve to feel this way. You're so lost and scared and so you're gripping at anything to make you feel safe again, to make you feel wanted, cared for, appreciated, noticed...to feel anything. No exterior thing will ever give you that feeling of satiety and safety, you must reach and look within. You harbour all of the love you need and only you can grant yourself the permission to be truly and authentically you. Within you there is an endless fountain of love, an overflowing stream of peace and a perpetual light of hope. Like a treasure hunt, you must first reach difficult emotional milestones and overcome necessary, yet often painful, challenges before you can attain of the glimmering gold. I am sorry you are in this fog but I think its clearing will teach you something about yourself.

April sunsets.

May

A band aid will never heal an aching wound. I have tummy pains thinking of you here, I feel so sorry for you. In a few years time you will look back and hopefully realise that there was no need to hate yourself so much for who you were then. It's a few months later and I think you hate her even more now. Loathing the past will not change it. Not pretty enough, not kind enough, not smart enough, not lovely enough, not strong enough, too fat, too short, too silly, too drunk, too sober, hair too flat, nose too crooked, skin too pale, voice too high, clothes too plain, personality too boring...anything I missed? Perfectionism is the root of despair. You dislike the fact that you aren't living up to your own ideals of perfection but that is something you have to remember, these are your own ideals, probably set all too high and all too unrealistic. I'm beginning to think that you will never ever ever feel enough Lauren, and, if you do achieve 'perfection' in certain segments, another area of lack in your life will come to head. Growth is a process. Perfectionism is the enemy of progress and peace. Someday you will allow yourself to be perfectly imperfect, but for now, just try your best to forgive all that you are not and relish in all that you are.

Graduated with my best friends in May!

June

Having your beliefs broken will become the initial shards that begin to crack your heart, yet, it still won't hurt as much as when it shatters completely. Hope can sometimes be a dangerous thing for a girl like you (hey there Lana Del Rey heheh). Your naivety will always conquer your logic and that's ok, I now believe it is something to be admired. I wish I could say to prepare yourself, to place value in the warning signs, to put yourself first and to run, but, if you skipped straight to the sunshine then you will never get to experience the hail, and, the rainbows. Both will help you to grow and to strengthen. It's an experience. Life is all about the black and the white for everyone; the light and the dark, the love and the loss.

Beautiful Bulgarian sunsets in June.

July

Let the summer wind sweep away all worries, allow the sun to melt away all troubles. Have fun and enjoy these beautiful new moments. Watch how the waves crash to the shore without apology or planned execution. Embrace the power of anonymity, you can be whoever you want to be; you can be you. Allow the foreign home birds to teach you the art of being lost in confidence, safe in the escape of knowing you can not be found. Times can change but the memories will never. You are young, you are free, enjoy this fairy tale. The wicked witches will always waver but that doesn't mean you can't embrace your sweet time as a princess. This isn't true magic, not even close, but this is the beginning of you realising that it's out there. Just you wait until you are enchanted, a queen without a monster insight.

Ticked the beautiful Croatia off my bucket list in July.

August

Be proud of yourself, allow yourself to be celebrated by both others and yourself. Smile. You don't have to be so modest. Take it all in. Be happy and try not to move on to the next goal of which you feel needs to be reached all too quickly. Wallow in the greatness that is your own personal definition of success. You actually do warrant it, you deserve good things and it's about time you begin to believe that!

 My dream came true in August.

September

Your heart will feel ripped to shreds but it will also stitch back together again. You'll giggle looking back at this time, you will heal! You don't have to keep putting on a brave strong face; you're allowed to feel this pain. I know all you want to do is run back to the agony that you know. Yes, further starvation will give you a sense of control over the ache but it won't solve anything. You have to feel this, no running away. This is a universal human suffering. This is a hurt only time can heal. 

October

Let go and have fun. Feel what it's like to be a teenager in college; young and free and full of spontaneous uncertainty. Surprise yourself and try something new. What if the true you is the girl who goes out every night of the week or maybe she prefers sunrise yoga and nighttime journaling in solitude...or perhaps both! I know you feel scared and uncomfortable but force yourself out of your comfort zone; that's where the magic happens and where real life lives.

My beautiful sister Leah graduated in October. I am so proud of her. She inspires me every single moment.

November

You feel like you're being swept by a current, unable to swim against the water's tide, unable to navigate your own flow. You are going through the motions and sometimes that's just what you have to do; a survival mechanism. It is a sign that you are out of touch with your true self; your own wants, needs and values. It's ok to be too scared to process everything. If ignoring the pain is what you need to do right now to persevere in the real world then that is ok, but do not expect to feel ok in doing so. There is always a trade off. To function so well externally in such circumstances must mean that internally you feel lost at sea. I know it's a horrible sensation, feeling so separated from your own mind and true self, but you won't feel like this forever. Just keep going for now, once this semester is over, you can bravely feel and confront all of the unprocessed thoughts tucked away deeply in the crevasses of your mind.

In November, Berlin taught me that there is a place for everyone in this world..if you can't fit in, move here hehe!

December

It's time to put yourself first. Please stop wondering and worrying. This is the last December I allow you to feel so full of self hatred! Nobody sees you the way you see yourself. Imagine if you felt about yourself the way others feel about you. You could be unstoppable and maybe that's what scares you. Maybe it's not your darkness but the fear of just how bright you could truly glow, if you allowed yourself to, that terrifies you. What do you want to do? Who is it that you want to be? What way is it that you want to feel? 'Decide what kind of life you actually want. Then say no to everything that isn’t that.' Be patient, I truly believe your time is coming but that means that you have to blindly embrace your true self and ignore all of which negates that. 

This beautiful magical soul can never not make me giggle and smile, I love you Eimear! A December snippet of love, smiles and drunken fun. I look like a thumb but trying not to care lol...if you can't laugh at yourself then what can you do!

If you could give the beautiful pre-2018 version of you some advice what would you say? Feel free to let me know in the comments below (it makes my day getting such kind lovely messages from you, it means the world that these posts are helping people). I hope this year was a year of growth love and happiness for you. 

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I hope you enjoyed!

lots of love & peace & happiness