I stood in the Grand Canyon, one of the most beautiful, exquisite, magical places on this earth; a miraculous wonder in our beautiful blue home. I remember very little except for the numbers 140. That's all that was on my mind. The tour guide had poured us drinks. I took a quenched sip before checking the calorie label. 140. 'One hundred and forty calories. He had poured in half the bottle which meant there was 70 calories in my glass, perhaps 65 as the top half of the bottle is thinner than the bottom but I shall estimate 75 just incase. I took a large gulp which means I have approximately consumed 37.5 calories, 45 just incase I should ever be too lenient with myself. However I had spilled some when I tripped over that dirt rock so perhaps I only actually tasted 38 calories but lets stick with 45 just incase, I can't risk not accounting it. When we leave I will jiggle my legs on the journey home as we sit and we'll probably be walking another 4 more hours tonight so I should definitely burn it off. Keep walking, keep moving, keep doing and never forget how awful you are. How dare you do that, you're so stupid, you're disgusting, you're going to balloon up, you're worthless, you're horrible'. This repeated over and over and over and over in my head, like a never ending disk stuck on repeat. Suddenly it was time to leave and I poured the other half of the drink onto the sandy ground as well as emptying the rest of the bottle. I remember nothing. I can't remember ooo-ing over the intricate crevices of the endless winding valley floor or gasping at the never ending height of the towering walls. I took photos, I smiled, I laughed but I wasn't there..instead I was in my head; terrified, worried, frightened..too much so to take in and experience the unbelievable moment occurring around me. 

oh how one small moment can contain such great power

I feel stuck in this realm of being yet never feeling; numb, jealous yet terrified of what it must be like to be fully alive. I feel I am sitting in a dark cold room, watching this life pass me by on a black and white film reel, hoping and waiting that someone will save me; that someday I won't be behind the scenes, that something will happen and I will finally be centre stage of my own life; feeling, sensing, breathing, seeing, hearing, tasting...living.

I think for so long I have been looking for a sign. For someone to pull me away and give me an answer or tell me what to do, but instead, I have been left screaming into the hollow abyss with only my own reflection staring back. Maybe that is exactly what I needed...to finally tune in and listen to my aching wrenching heart. For so long I have been denying her. Each time she echoed a truth in beat with my own perceived reality, I ignored her. For what can a heart know? This little life force is emotional, it doesn't consider the externalities of 'real' life yet perhaps that's the most beautiful thing about it. It looks at our sterile ordered world and extracts from it the truth. Void of rules and religions, apathetic towards status and symbolism, nonchalant in fulfilling roles or gathering riches. I believe that while our brains and mindsets have evolved, our heart has remained constant. Each pulse a perpetual pursuit of the one thing I believe it has only ever solely craved; happiness. And so, when I stopped..when I got really quiet and tuned into her pulse instead of humming the ticking clock of our racing reality, I finally heard her. She quietly but defiantly whispered 'I can't live like this anymore'.

I am living my life through Anorexia and not through Lauren. For so long I have been telling myself that that's ok. I have convinced myself that it is ok to live through this black tunnel, occasionally glimpsing the brightness of white light. I am still very much so convinced but I'm scared, my gosh I am so so so terrified. The physical pain shadows in comparison to the mental anguish yet I can't help but still question, almost every second, if this is all real or not. I am also so so terrified of the future changes that I am about to make in my life and the fear of choosing different paths and not knowing at all where I will end up. I feel so lucky because I'm alive, thus I feel such self hatred and disgust for even questioning and considering that perhaps, just perhaps, a life lived in fullness, aliveness and capable of experiencing the light and the dark, adept in transmuting pain into love and gifted in beholding the beauty of true laughter as well as the sorrow of sincere tears, rather than a life lived through the dull, senseless, restrictive chasing of death, may just be the life I want, and maybe even deserve. With each scary worry and fear of disillusionment I pause in sequence to my pounding heart and its endless truth; 'I can't live like this anymore'. 

Dearest heart, I have denied your callings for so long yet have screamed with distrust in reaction to life's unravellings, blaming the unjustness of this world, aching for answers when perhaps, indeed, such faults were on me, and you, have held the answer all along.