A Moment of Light
'She realised she had this one. This big, bold and beautiful life. And she realized she didn’t want to live it chasing and crying and apologizing. Starving and fearing and regretting. She realized she wanted to live it proudly and freely and creatively. Lovingly and fully and sweetly. She realised she could choose. And so, she chose.'
It's been a while, a long while and I'm sorry. To be honest I became really scared of writing and sharing. I became terrified of sharing my truth, frightened to lay bare my vulnerabilities and afraid of what you, reading this right now, may think or do! It's so silly but in a way I became most afraid of what could happen..what someone could say, what someone could think and what someone could do but living in fear is no way to live and if I want to share my truth and inspire others than I have to embrace those fears and accept that they aren't going to just leave. The greatest reason though, and something different that I have grown to become really quite afraid of, of which my family and loved ones warned me about from day one, is of others who are struggling with their own pain and heartaches, asking for my support and guidance. I really want to help every aching soul on this earth, I would do anything to try my best to save and solder together your broken pieces but a few months ago it became a little overwhelming. 'Stop carrying other peoples monkeys on your back, it's not your job to save everyone', my loved ones often say, and so, I have taken a long break from writing. I wish that I could help you, heal your heart and mend your aching heart if you are struggling with pain right now, but I can not do that. I am just a young girl trying to find her way through her own sense of anguish while trying my best to enlighten and inspire you to perhaps work on navigating your own. It sounds so selfish and heartless, I'm so sorry. I pray and hope you find the inner strength and courage to reach out to a loved one, professional or someone who is themselves mentally strong enough and capable to help you...I am sorry that I am not that person but hopefully someday, when I am fully free, I can help you too.
Have you ever had a moment of clarity when everything seemed to fall into place? When everything suddenly made sense? When the lightbulb flickered and it all just clicked? When I began my recovery journey, I searched endlessly for the switch that would ignite the light in my darkness. I tried everything and anything to feed the insatiable search for a catalyst in my recovery. I teetered on the edge of the schism between life and death, recovery and illness, hoping that my hopes, supports, medications, treatments, loved ones and diminishing inner courage would eventually compile to bridge the gap; finally tempting me to step a shaking foot across. It never happened. You see I have always always wanted to get better. From the moment I first started throwing my little 4th class packed lunch away, I wanted to not have it to be this way. Even when I screamed that I would jump in front of car if an extra pea was placed on my plate, even when a lady found me collapsed on the side of the road from walking on empty, even when I let this illness pull me out of college...I wanted to get better; I just didn't know how. I know you may think, 'just eat, rest and gain weight!!', and I completely understand and agree that that is a major major aspect of recovery but I've tried that in my first admission...and it didn't work. I still felt the same ache in my soul and the same throbbing in my heart of which the only way I ever knew how to quieten, was through starvation. I've always believed I am bad. Not the kind of bad that commits crimes or intentionally hurts others...but the kind of bad that runs deep within my bones and seeps into every crevice of my being. An innate inherent evil, so horrific that I believed for so so so long that the only way I should be allowed to live, is with as little impact as possible. I began to question every breath my lungs sucked in, every word my lips allowed leave, and of course, every bite my mouth met...it was all too much. I was too loud, too lazy, too arrogant, too unkind, too selfish, too uncaring, too rude, too bossy, too ignorant...I was too much yet paradoxically never ever enough. I thought that if I gave and gave and gave...if I never took from this world, became perfect in my behaviour, impeccable in my thoughts, pure in my being; I would finally grant myself a permission slip to stay alive. An oxymoron that led to the further grip of anorexia onto my mind, body and soul. No matter how many months I spent in hospital, no matter how many therapists I saw, no matter how many self help books I read; nothing majorly substantial ever occurred in my recovery because while I always have wanted to get better, the desire to shrink, to take up less space, to never be the cause of any harm; always hid the how to get better.
However, one day, with the saving grace of the universe or a higher entity of which I will be forever grateful, a beam of light appeared, the lightbulb twinkled ever so slightly and a glimmer of flickering hope began to glisten into my life. Like all magical fairytales, this began on the ruins of an old castle on a beautiful September's day. My cousin was getting married and I was surrounded by the unconditional love of dear ones and raptured by the differing beauty of strangers. Of course, the eating disorder was omnipresent, with every moment experienced through Anorexia's dark distortions. All that mattered to me that day was ensuring I survived the event, eating as little as possible while appearing completely normal and ok. It's funny how things can happen. How in one moment you can be encapsulated by something so evil only to be whisked away by a wave of love seconds later. When the bride and groom's first dance came on, I couldn't help but be consumed with the unequivocal power of unconditional, everlasting, unrestricted, limitless love. In that moment nothing else mattered to these two souls, to each other, they were and are perfect, whole and deserving. In that moment, the size of their hips nor the greatest of their self perceived failings were significant. In that moment, I realised, love was, and always has been, the answer. I thought I could hate myself into getting better. Just as I thought I could starve away the pain, run away the resentment and perfect away the loneliness; I thought I could crawl out of this illness while still maintaining the same internal bond. I had, of course, heard it over and over, 'in order to recover you have to be more compassionate towards yourself, you must develop a sense of self kindness, you need to stop being so hard on yourself'...but my stubborn desire for being anything less than perfect, was too powerful to ever imagine a moment of mindful softness. I didn't and still don't want to entertain the thought of coming to terms with who I am. To not only accept my authentic true self but to also contemplate that perhaps my personal greatest flaws are and were, never my own to begin with...but just another deceiving lie the eating disorder has trained me, and every other sufferer, to believe so it can further keep us under its wrath. I have come to realise, that even though I abhor the idea of not punishing and hating my mind and body, I have to come to terms with the fact that if I ever ever want to recover, I have to teeter into a world of possibilities, one in which I am not innately bad. I have to consider that I may too be worthy of love. That I may too be worthy of taking up space on this earth. That I may too be worthy of a life lived free of self imposed rules for simply existing. I don't believe any of these, yet, but rewiring a life long way of thinking and believing takes time, and, instead of grasping to subsist in the raven of a black and white world, I am trying to see the softer greys, I am working so hard to hopefully someday dream and dance in dazzling colour. I am beginning to finally allow this softness in and it feels all so terrifyingly scary yet at once beautifully magical.
The day after, I wrote this, and I have remained committed, while at times extremely and impossibly hard, since.
'Today, marks the beginning of my new life. Today I discharged myself from my psychiatrist, dietician and therapist. I have spent the past eight years in and out of hospital and services, constantly giving my power over to others convincing myself that someone someday will save me, but nobody can, I have to finally really be brave, let go and save myself. I know deep down I have the power and strength within me to dive in; to actually eat, to rest, to let go. Today is the beginning of embarking on my full real recovery journey. I'm tired of talking about my past, of crying over one extra calorie, of failing and failing at meal plans, of being told my case is hopeless and that I'll never recover. I'm so hungry...for love, for life, for happiness, for freedom and of course for food as terrifying as that is to admit. I'm so sick, weak and tired of you Anorexia. Being with my family this weekend awakened me to how miserable I am, you destroy every moment with your constant screams. Anorexia, you have taken my life; I have left college because of you, hurt my family because of you, destroyed my health because of you, lost myself because of you, but this is the true beginning of me getting my life back and discovering the true Lauren, without you. I am terrified, truly petrified to eat, gain weight, not exercise, rest, be kind to my mind, body and soul but I can no longer let fear dominate my life. I choose to go all in now, this is going to be excruciating but I have to try to believe that there are people who truly love me, no matter what I look like or eat. I will destroy you Ana. I want my life back. I can't do it for myself yet but for now I do it for my loved ones; to stop their pain, to make them proud, to give back the endless love, care and support they relentlessly give to me. I am fully committing to using all my will and strength to oppose every thought and belief you poison my mind with and it's terrifying but I trust in the universe and its plan. I will not get fatter or horrible or fuller of badness. I will regain the life, love, weight and health you have stolen. I am determined this time and luckily I am surrounded by so much love and care and support. I am about to go out for morning tea and a scone with my mom. I haven't done or eaten this in 8 years. I'm shaking as I write this, I'm terrified but my life will be beautiful. If you never try you'll never know, if you never eat you'll never grow!'
'Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.'
If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder or any other mental illness, please please please reach out for help. Click here for a list of various numbers, emails and websites which you can reach out to for help, advice or comfort.
I hope you enjoyed this long overdue post. I really hope to get back into writing but I just hope and pray this it is ok that I may try to help, from afar, those who may be searching for some sort of hope or answer. Feel free to comment below or send me message if this helped you (it makes my day getting such kind lovely messages from you, it means the world that these posts are helping people) but if you are looking for support and guidance please reach out to a trusted friend, loved one or professional <3 I hope this post may help you in reigniting your dimming light bulbs hehe! Click here to subscribe to my newsletter for updates on new blog posts. I hope you enjoyed!
lots of love & peace & happinessLauren x
