12 Life Lessons From 2018

Happy new year beautiful! It's been a while..I have felt a little uninspired, stressed and drained lately when it came to writing and so I decided to take a break for a little bit. I'm trying to treat this blog as a creative outlet or hobby, however recently it had been turning into a chore of which I had to tend to. I'm truly sorry if I have let anyone down but I love and care for this too much for it to turn into something that doesn't contain my true heart, soul and energy. 

The beginning of a new cycle around the sun often compels us to reflect on the days of the year that just so fleetingly went by. Like last year, I found myself questioning if we had known what destiny had planned out for us in 2018, would we have squealed in joy or shuddered in fear as the clock stroke twelve on the final eve. Would we tread carefully as the year began to pass or recklessly throw caution to the wind in the security of knowing that nothing could be done to alter our chosen path? However, embracing 2018 in blissful oblivion enabled me to learn, experience and grow in ways that pre-instilled knowledge could have ever taught me. Albeit, if I could hold past Lauren's hand and softly surrender secret suggestions, this is what I would tell her. (Also included are my favourite moments that were captured from each month).

January

I know you can feel you are losing yourself and I know you are pretending not to worry but it's ok that you're so scared. You can see what is happening but your desire for outside validation and approval is outweighing your own ability to gain self acceptance. You are too blinded by pleasing and such foreign, amazing yet daunting future memories that the unwilling shift occurring is going unnoticed within your own heart. Please don't change for anyone else. Of course you need to figure out who you are but please listen to your scared and screaming heart, it's most likely trying to tell you something. Evolution is necessary, we must all transform and metamorphose, however, make sure that these changes are what you want and need and are not uncomfortably out of your control. Let go, but please, at your own pace and time. You may have to hold or even hide your beaming light within, do whatever it takes, anything to avoid your sparkle being fully dulled.

Reminiscing in January.

February

You are loved. Let the right people show it to you and give it to you. Stop rejecting care and affection. Stop wondering if you really deserve kindness or if it's all fake. Maybe, just maybe, believe in what others think, say and do for once. You are so lucky. You have the most amazing people in your life. I promise this isn't a lie, these people don't secretly hate you. And no, you're not a fraud. You're not an imposter of whom's 'innate badness' is hidden from those surrounding. You're fragile and small and all too full of self hatred to even allow the possibility of love in. These people see the true you and they love her exactly for who she is. Focus on those who fully accept you for all that you are and for all that they believe you to further become.

My best friend Tracy and I at my birthday in February. This photo makes me so happy, I love her.

March

You don't always have to do what everyone else is doing. Listen to your heart and body intelligence. Allow your intuition to guide you. Sometimes you may have to delve deeper but more often than not, your actions need not an explanation. Your soul knows what's best for you. Nobody is you; no one thinks your thoughts, harbours your emotions or experiences your bliss and pain, thus, nobody can choose; only you.

Exploring new places and embracing new adventures in March.

April

The constant tummy pains and anxious heart is your soul screaming out under its repression. I wish you could realise that you aren't meant to nor deserve to feel this way. You're so lost and scared and so you're gripping at anything to make you feel safe again, to make you feel wanted, cared for, appreciated, noticed...to feel anything. No exterior thing will ever give you that feeling of satiety and safety, you must reach and look within. You harbour all of the love you need and only you can grant yourself the permission to be truly and authentically you. Within you there is an endless fountain of love, an overflowing stream of peace and a perpetual light of hope. Like a treasure hunt, you must first reach difficult emotional milestones and overcome necessary, yet often painful, challenges before you can attain of the glimmering gold. I am sorry you are in this fog but I think its clearing will teach you something about yourself.

April sunsets.

May

A band aid will never heal an aching wound. I have tummy pains thinking of you here, I feel so sorry for you. In a few years time you will look back and hopefully realise that there was no need to hate yourself so much for who you were then. It's a few months later and I think you hate her even more now. Loathing the past will not change it. Not pretty enough, not kind enough, not smart enough, not lovely enough, not strong enough, too fat, too short, too silly, too drunk, too sober, hair too flat, nose too crooked, skin too pale, voice too high, clothes too plain, personality too boring...anything I missed? Perfectionism is the root of despair. You dislike the fact that you aren't living up to your own ideals of perfection but that is something you have to remember, these are your own ideals, probably set all too high and all too unrealistic. I'm beginning to think that you will never ever ever feel enough Lauren, and, if you do achieve 'perfection' in certain segments, another area of lack in your life will come to head. Growth is a process. Perfectionism is the enemy of progress and peace. Someday you will allow yourself to be perfectly imperfect, but for now, just try your best to forgive all that you are not and relish in all that you are.

Graduated with my best friends in May!

June

Having your beliefs broken will become the initial shards that begin to crack your heart, yet, it still won't hurt as much as when it shatters completely. Hope can sometimes be a dangerous thing for a girl like you (hey there Lana Del Rey heheh). Your naivety will always conquer your logic and that's ok, I now believe it is something to be admired. I wish I could say to prepare yourself, to place value in the warning signs, to put yourself first and to run, but, if you skipped straight to the sunshine then you will never get to experience the hail, and, the rainbows. Both will help you to grow and to strengthen. It's an experience. Life is all about the black and the white for everyone; the light and the dark, the love and the loss.

Beautiful Bulgarian sunsets in June.

July

Let the summer wind sweep away all worries, allow the sun to melt away all troubles. Have fun and enjoy these beautiful new moments. Watch how the waves crash to the shore without apology or planned execution. Embrace the power of anonymity, you can be whoever you want to be; you can be you. Allow the foreign home birds to teach you the art of being lost in confidence, safe in the escape of knowing you can not be found. Times can change but the memories will never. You are young, you are free, enjoy this fairy tale. The wicked witches will always waver but that doesn't mean you can't embrace your sweet time as a princess. This isn't true magic, not even close, but this is the beginning of you realising that it's out there. Just you wait until you are enchanted, a queen without a monster insight.

Ticked the beautiful Croatia off my bucket list in July.

August

Be proud of yourself, allow yourself to be celebrated by both others and yourself. Smile. You don't have to be so modest. Take it all in. Be happy and try not to move on to the next goal of which you feel needs to be reached all too quickly. Wallow in the greatness that is your own personal definition of success. You actually do warrant it, you deserve good things and it's about time you begin to believe that!

 My dream came true in August.

September

Your heart will feel ripped to shreds but it will also stitch back together again. You'll giggle looking back at this time, you will heal! You don't have to keep putting on a brave strong face; you're allowed to feel this pain. I know all you want to do is run back to the agony that you know. Yes, further starvation will give you a sense of control over the ache but it won't solve anything. You have to feel this, no running away. This is a universal human suffering. This is a hurt only time can heal. 

October

Let go and have fun. Feel what it's like to be a teenager in college; young and free and full of spontaneous uncertainty. Surprise yourself and try something new. What if the true you is the girl who goes out every night of the week or maybe she prefers sunrise yoga and nighttime journaling in solitude...or perhaps both! I know you feel scared and uncomfortable but force yourself out of your comfort zone; that's where the magic happens and where real life lives.

My beautiful sister Leah graduated in October. I am so proud of her. She inspires me every single moment.

November

You feel like you're being swept by a current, unable to swim against the water's tide, unable to navigate your own flow. You are going through the motions and sometimes that's just what you have to do; a survival mechanism. It is a sign that you are out of touch with your true self; your own wants, needs and values. It's ok to be too scared to process everything. If ignoring the pain is what you need to do right now to persevere in the real world then that is ok, but do not expect to feel ok in doing so. There is always a trade off. To function so well externally in such circumstances must mean that internally you feel lost at sea. I know it's a horrible sensation, feeling so separated from your own mind and true self, but you won't feel like this forever. Just keep going for now, once this semester is over, you can bravely feel and confront all of the unprocessed thoughts tucked away deeply in the crevasses of your mind.

In November, Berlin taught me that there is a place for everyone in this world..if you can't fit in, move here hehe!

December

It's time to put yourself first. Please stop wondering and worrying. This is the last December I allow you to feel so full of self hatred! Nobody sees you the way you see yourself. Imagine if you felt about yourself the way others feel about you. You could be unstoppable and maybe that's what scares you. Maybe it's not your darkness but the fear of just how bright you could truly glow, if you allowed yourself to, that terrifies you. What do you want to do? Who is it that you want to be? What way is it that you want to feel? 'Decide what kind of life you actually want. Then say no to everything that isn’t that.' Be patient, I truly believe your time is coming but that means that you have to blindly embrace your true self and ignore all of which negates that. 

This beautiful magical soul can never not make me giggle and smile, I love you Eimear! A December snippet of love, smiles and drunken fun. I look like a thumb but trying not to care lol...if you can't laugh at yourself then what can you do!

If you could give the beautiful pre-2018 version of you some advice what would you say? Feel free to let me know in the comments below (it makes my day getting such kind lovely messages from you, it means the world that these posts are helping people). I hope this year was a year of growth love and happiness for you. 

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I hope you enjoyed!

lots of love & peace & happiness

Meaningful Christmas Gift Guide

It's the most wonderful time of the year! Today, the true meaning of Christmas has become so transient and allusive that it is often difficult to remember what this season truly embodies. Christmas is no longer a strictly religious feast, it has also become a global celebration of joy. For me, Christmas is a time to express my love and gratitude for all that I have in my life while enveloping myself with the peace, joy and magic that comes with enjoying the festive activities, surrounded by loved ones. What does Christmas mean for you?

While the core values of Christmas are forever meaningful, one can not deny that Christmas equals one very exciting thing...Santa Claus is coming to town heheh! Gift giving has become a prominent tradition of this season, which consequentially means that it is also perhaps the most stressful time of the year! What do you buy the loving friend who deserves the entire universe? How on earth do you exemplify your gratitude to the sibling who stuck with you through it all? Where do you find the perfect present for the person that brought you into this world? Most importantly...how do you do all of this when you are a frugal college student like me and trying not to break the bank lol! I read recently, that the greatest gift you can ever give is your love, time and kindness. It's nice to get spoiled with expensive diamonds but imagine if someone created something just for you, spent hours lovingly crafting, all to create an embodiment of their adoration and admiration for you..that would perhaps be more magical than any monetary gift. I am so lucky that I have so many beautiful souls in my life that I have the opportunity to give to this Christmas, and so, this year I have decided to take a different approach towards the gifts I give. I have decided to try to curate simple gifts designed to suit each specific soul; their personality, behaviours and preferences.

Would you like to join me? Not only will this approach create a more valuable sense of worth for your receiver, this way you will also reap the warm fuzzy harvest of the selflessness you sow, and, you may also save money...its a win-win for all! Perhaps you have decided to do a present prohibition this year and you're looking for another way to donate your time, love and passion. If you are, then please read my last year's 'The Gift of Giving' post in which I wrote about the various methods and benefits of alternative gateways to giving. Continue to read my gift guide below for help and inspiration this season as you tick off your naughty and nice list!

Affirmation Cards

'Thoughts become things, choose the good ones'. The words of which we speak to ourselves and the private thoughts our minds contain, are said to be the very factors which shape our lives and existence. Print off or design your own deck of affirmation cards. These are perfect for those people who may need that little extra boost in their daily lives. You can even tailor them to specifically suit your recipient! Why not construct a beautiful self-love affirmation deck for that special person who struggles a little with accepting the reflection in the mirror? These are the beautiful free printable ones I used or you could alternatively buy a deck like this or this if you have a larger budget and less time.

Memory Scrapbook

Perhaps the most poignant way of expressing your love for a person; a collection of your favourite memories, moments and experiences all compiled and compressed into one single piece. The hardest part is buying an inexpensive scrapbook and printing off photos from your phone! After that, you get to enjoy the fun in letting your artistic spirit free. Fill the pages with pictures, hand written entries of your private jokes and any memorabilia such as tickets from your first concert or the menu of where you had your first meal together! I promise this process will bring so much joy to both you and your recipient as you reflect upon your past adventures and await the future magic memories to come!

Self Care Kit

'An empty lantern provides no light. Self care is the fuel that enables your light to shine brightly'. You want your loved ones to sparkle don't you? All anyone wants for their loved ones is for them to feel content, capable and overflowing with cultivated self-love. I have written all about self care here as well as its importance and benefits. Why not create a simple self-care kit for a friend this year? You could fill a basket with a mini journal, candle, face-mask, chocolate, hand cream, relaxing tea, uplifting quotes and maybe a personal letter of love. Show them you care by helping them to care for themselves this year.

Snail Mail

Go old school this year with a simple Christmas card, especially for those who maybe you aren't that close to but still want to shower with love. Is there anything more exciting than waking up to an unexpected envelope through the postbox? How lovely to realise that someone actually took the time to pick out a season's greetings card, write it, stamp it and post it...all just for you! The thought of doing this may make your hand ache already, but I promise through lighting a few candles, playing soft music and cuddling up in front of the fire, this act may just become your favourite piece of the festive fun.

Powerful Pearls

Sick of frantically running around town on Christmas Eve, looking for a necklace that you haven't already given your love? This year, why not gift them diamonds with a twist! This summer, I stumbled across the most beautiful, local, inspiring (and inexpensive) jewellery. Suchness Jewellery creates and produces the most intricate, empowering, hand stamped pieces of art. Perhaps you could buy your book-loving brother a hand stamped bookmark with his favourite quote or maybe you could order your neighbour an uplifting necklace. I have two of Lieska's affirmation bracelets and not only are they lovely to look at, they, for me, also embody personal meaningful messages.

Experience Something New

'I realised if I wait until I'm not scared to try new things, then I'll never get to try them at all.' This Christmas, grant your love the opportunity to try something new. Enrol them in a flower arranging class, sign them up to their local musical society or maybe even book them into a yoga course! If you live near me, my favourite yogi and the most beautiful soul Maeve, from Ebb & Flow Yoga, is hosting an array of new yoga courses in the coming year ranging from aerial flows to vibrant vinyasas. I really can not overstate the power and magic of yoga, especially in a class setting and especially under the guidance of someone as caring as Maeve! I am sure that from whichever corner of the earth you are reading this, there is an experience just waiting for your recipient to fall in love with whether it's a painting practice or meditation module.

I hope you enjoyed this post, I'm sorry it's been a while since I have written but I found myself feeling burdened and overwhelmed at times by this rather than excited. Thank you to my sister for reminding me to put my health and wellbeing first, ily! <3

  

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lots of love & peace & happiness


Lauren x

Self Care
Caring for yourself isn't a luxury, it is a necessity for survival. A common myth surrounding self care is that in order to be caring towards ourselves we must have a bubble bath full of candles and roses while listening to Bon Iver. While that sounds so beautiful, self care can actually be very simple yet extremely worthwhile and effective. Caring for yourself can be as easy as brushing your hair, reading your favourite book with a cup of tea or playing with your puppy. Self care aids as a vital mineral, nourishing to create a happy soul and feeding to foster a healthy mind. With every act of self care your authentic self gets stronger, and the fearful, critical mind gets weaker. 'Every act of self care is a powerful declaration: I am on my side. I am on my side, each day I am more and more on my own side.'

Bandage It Up...(for now)
'But how could you be sad, its the most wonderful time of the year!', I hear you say, sadly, the thought of pine trees and falling snowflakes induces loneliness, anxiety, sadness and pain for many many people around the world. For different reasons, people struggle with the festive season; perhaps due to the absence of loved ones, the terror of illness or the agony of heartache; compounded by moody moonless twilights and frosty foggy mornings. It is often in a time when one 'should' feel so happy and peaceful that our greatest demons come sneaking up for haunting. I have even realised that from September on, I start planning my gift wrapping theme, researching DIY festive crafts and organising my card posting list all while blaring merry carols, simply to drown out the feelings that come to fester my fears during the holidays. I know so many experts say that distraction is like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound; it may cover the problem but nothing ever heals. Of course, at some stage, we all must face our fears and dissect our darkness..but can't we wait until there's a little more light shining on and within our soul? I think that in order to survive this season, we must be soft to our delicate hearts and perhaps allow ourselves to fully engorge in whatever may help us. Sometimes, no matter how happy we 'should' naturally feel, we need a little helping hand; whether that be through wrapping yourself in tinsel and baking puddings all day long, joining a club, starting a new craft, volunteering or drinking hot chocolate and mulled wine with friends, families and strangers galore.

Go Natural
Nature boosts happiness levels, aids creativity, reduces stress, eases anxiety, boosts concentration and performs a million more miracles. One can go days during the cold season without golden rays of the sun falling upon their skin and warming up their hearts. In many Nordic countries, inhabitants are treated with special UV ray lights during the sunless months to boost both physical and spiritual immunity against bodily flues and mental blues. Many believe that nature is intrinsically connected with the rhythm of our bodies, spirits and minds. A breath of fresh dewy morning air, a splash of cold ocean water, a prickle of a sharp rose thorn and a gaze at the evening's sunset remind us what it is like to be rawly and truly alive. Every little problem seems so small and insignificant when we look up at the sparkling night sky. Through organic natural self care we can feel both humble and content while also treating each of our senses to the earth's delights.

Professional Help
Sometimes, all of the sunshine can not cure a broken heart, all of the hugs in the world can not mend a solemn soul and all of the candy canes can not calm a whirling mind. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try and no matter what we do, we need more thorough structured support and advanced professional aid. A lady once told me of a man she treated who, with every single year, once the leaves began to fall from the trees, would reengage with weekly therapy and return to his antidepressant dosage under medical recommendation. He was a capable, independent, well functioning man yet just like wrapping up in winter woolies he knew that in order to survive the blue season, he had to take precautions with his mental matters.  Reach out for help, talk to someone, explain how you are feelings; release the burden you are so bravely carrying alone and allow someone who cares for you to hold it with you. It may not instantly go away but I promise that it may just feel a little lighter. 

'In the depths of winter, I found there was within me, an invincible summer.'

How will you comfort your heart and fortify your soul to fight the winter blues? Feel free to let me know in the comments below or message me directly through Instagram (it makes my day getting such kind lovely messages from you, it means the world that these posts are helping people). I hope this post helps you to beat the winter blues and allow some sunshine into your heart this season!  

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lots of love & peace & happiness


Lauren x

Tear Up Your Rulebook

What are some rules you live by? Rules are convenient, necessary perhaps even essential to our daily lives. If we didn't have rules there would be chaos, disorder and sheer pandemonium. Regulations keep us in line, help us to understand what is right and wrong, while they also guide us in our every day lives and subconscious actions. But what if all rules aren't so helpful? What if the rules we are living by, the boundaries of which we are trying to act within and the precedents of which we are ensuring we must always abide by, are the very things that are causing chaos in our minds and turmoil in our hearts? What if our rules become toxic evil spells of which we feel there is no escape?

Last Monday I broke a major rule of mine. I am the type of person who likes to be really organised and in control, who likes to know exactly what is happening and who can plan everything into a set scheduled routine. Last Monday was different though. It was 9pm, I was in my pyjamas in my college apartment when my friends came in, all done up, telling me to get ready and that we were all going out. I froze. I did not know what to do! My inner mind was screaming at me..'NO NO NO, you can not go out!!! You can NOT do something spontaneous and unexpected. You have to have this planned. You didn't eat crackers for lunch today and you ALWAYS do that before nights out. You ate a pitta bread for lunch, you can't you simple can not drink alcohol without having eaten crackers for lunch. That's the rule and you can NOT break your rules. You can't break your rituals. You know there are xx more calories in your pitta than there are in your crackers, everyone is going to be looking at you and laughing at how fat and disgusting you are!! It's 9pm, it takes you at least 2 hours to try to look half way decent...if you go out you will look and feel disgusting. You don't deserve to have spontaneous fun, you are not allowed that. Everyone will see you for how fat and disgusting you are! Get into bed and go to sleep, NOW'.

I had only ever broken this standard once before in August of 2017 and doing so scarred me so much that the date became notched onto my brain and I since vowed to never ever ever challenge that self imposed law again. It wasn't the breaking of the rule that terrified me, it was the sheer anxiety that came from tolerating the pain of doing the opposite to what my own mind had told me, that made me quiver. The thing is though, the true inner me wanted to scream yes and go out with my friends, to socialise, to have fun and to live a normal college student life...but I couldn't. 'I really really want to but I can't I can't I can't'; I said it over and over until someone asked me why and my only response was 'because'. How do you tell someone 'oh you see I don't allow myself to have fun unless I pre punish myself and ensure that I have stuck by a pre night out routine, also and most importantly, I had a pitta for lunch today and that's not part of the routine so I can't :)'. I don't know how or why or where it came from, but I am so grateful that an inner courageous voice whispered to my heart, 'go'. And so against every engrained rule and fear, I put on my makeup, did my hair, painted on fake tan (hehe) and got changed; all in a record breaking 30 minutes! And guess what...it was such a lovely night out! Just like that night back in August, despite all of the 'I can'ts, I shouldn'ts and I mustn'ts', I had an amazing night that night too (of course with the help of a little alcohol that definitely eased anxieties hehe). The next day however was the crux for me. The thoughts of shame, regret and self hatred came crashing through. I was so angry at myself, well my perfectionist self was fuming anyway! I felt I had to be punished. It was simply unacceptable to have had spontaneous fun, to not have followed my pre night out routine and to have ignored and overridden my own self proclaimed standards. Luckily on that Tuesday, I had an appointment with my doctor, I text my mom and also met with my angel role model of a sister. They helped me beyond words. They helped me to rationally and calmly question this one rule, its value in my life, its benefits and/or drawbacks and most of all they helped me to realise that normal human beings do not really think that way and it is completely OK to go out and enjoy yourself and have fun. They helped me to break my rule and to be ok in doing so. If I can do it, you can too...we all can! Here are somethings I learned and my fabulous supports taught me about rules, standards and toxic evil spells.

Pick the spell of which you are under, a rule you live by. Perhaps it is 'I can not go to bed unless I wash all of the dishes', 'I can never ever fail a test' or 'I must say yes to every invite no matter how I am feeling and no matter what is occurring in my own life'.

Question It

Apply some perspective to your rule and question its validity. Is this a common human rule that many people have, like having to brush your teeth in the morning, or is this a rule that only you have created and placed on your life alone, a standard which would be very uncommon and unfair if applied to anyone else? My rule for example, 'I must eat crackers for lunch on the days of which I will be going out' is a rule that I presume not many people live by. This time last year I was able to eat my usual pitta bread for lunch and still go out that night, however, over summer I developed the crackers habit (literally, it was crackers heheh) and that habit suddenly became a rule, of which if I broke, there would be severe consequences. It was only when I relayed this rule to my supports the following day that I realised just how inhumane and unjust it was. I couldn't believe when my sister told me that almost every other person eats what they want during a day regardless of if they are going out that night or not. Most humans don't live by a rule that because they ate this or that, they are not allowed to feel good, have fun, be seen, feel worthy, drink alcohol or eat something else. My sister even pointed out to me that when the majority of people do go out or attend events, they eat more than they would on an average day...such as birthday cake or 3am post nightclub pizza. After hearing these rational opposing theories to my belief, my rule didn't seem as solid or valid anymore. Apply this to your rule, ask your friends and supports about their beliefs and see whether your standards are adequate or just absolute 'crackers' hehe.

Say It To Your BFF

Turn to your best friend and tell them 'you are not allowed to relax until you have completed every single piece of homework, I don't care how tired you are' or 'you must not leave your house until you have ensured that your makeup is perfect at least 10 times' or 'you must prepare home cooked meals for your children every single day, or else you're a bad parent'...literally any rule that you have. Seriously imagine saying that to someone you love and just how horrible it would be! I know if I told my best friend that she couldn't go out because she doesn't deserve to after eating a pitta bread for lunch she would laugh or maybe slap me silly at how ridiculous a demand it seemed! We are always harshest towards ourselves, our own biggest enemies and cruelest critics, yet as the age old adage goes, if we treated others the way we treated ourselves, we would have no friends left at all.

Define Its Purpose

Understand the purpose of your rule. Understand why and how it developed to serve you and you can then figure out an alternative kinder rule which may also serve your painful law's purpose. Rules have both benefits and drawbacks. I can see now that my rule helps me to feel safe and secure yet also continues to trap me tightly within the confines of illness. When I follow this certain rule, I feel less anxious about consuming alcohol and less worried about my body image. For some reason, I see such a routine as a way of keeping me safe from the thoughts and fears of feeling fat, ugly, horrible and like a bad person. The rule manifested simply to protect me from pain. However, this standard brings a lot of heartache too. This law abhors all and any spontaneity, lack of control and freedom. This precedent rules out any space for flexibility and normal living. It also creates extreme distress and heartache if it was even slightly altered. What are the advantages and disadvantages of your rule? What is its value and purpose in your life? Does this rule allow you flexibility or is it very black or white? Does this rule make you happy (that is the true you happy and not your fear ridden self)?

Seek Alternatives

On discovering the purpose of your negative rule it is now time to investigate whether there is something that can serve you in the same way yet through a much kinder, compassionate and healthier approach. I found on that very Monday night, that ringing my mom and being distracted by my friends helped me with the thoughts of self loathing and horrible body image. Reaching out for help and support served me just as well as the four crackers would have except the only difference is that one is dangerous, restrictive and traps me further in an illness while the other only strengthens bonds, communications and boosts trusting love. Perhaps an alternative to your rule could be to get out into nature, to read a book, to call a friend, to write a letter...anything that helps give you that sense of fulfilment yet also helps to tolerate the anxiety of opposing your own enslaved desires. Looking back now of course it seems more rational to reach out for help than to follow a strict ritual, yet, of course if it was that simple nobody would ever suffer from there own mind tricks! Reaching out and asking for support takes courage, bravery and vulnerability which in this day and age can seem even more terrifying than being a slave to your own mind. Try an alternative to your rule, I promise you it just might work.

What If?

What is the worst that could happen if you disregard your rule and live outside its boundaries? According to this specific rule, I believed that if I ate something other than crackers for lunch then my hips, thighs, tummy and arms would balloon out before a night out, I would appear obese in every and any photograph, everyone would be laughing and staring at me, I would become hated by everyone, I would be too ugly to be able to ever attract a boy, I would end up isolated forever, I would die alone. Ok of course the first thought is not 'pitta=dying alone' but you can see the spiralling decline into doom lol! When you look deeper into every fear, rule and coping mechanism, you will begin to discover that the thing you are afraid of is not truly what you are afraid of. As humans, our only true fear is death, yet our modern brain has adapted to associate and link certain perceived threats to death, and so, smaller perhaps insignificant things can now trap you in your own prison of fear. The true me isn't scared of a pitta bread but I have subconsciously grown to believe that if I eat a pitta bread and go out that same night, I will die alone (this is not the instant thought reaction, but when you follow through with each of your thoughts, you may often find that there is an underlying greater central controlling fear). When you take a step back from 'pitta=dying alone' you can understand how ridiculous and funny it is, yet, one must first break it down and follow the thought's path to understand why a pitta bread creates so much fear, anxiety and terror. Try choosing a rule you have and journaling out all of the 'what ifs' and consequences. Follow through with each thought and hopefully you will see that the law which protected you from pain is perhaps shielding a much greater deeper hurt and fear within yourself of which is being masked by your very own version of a pitta bread heheh.

Test Yo' Self

If you never try you'll never know. This is the scary part, the 'feel the far and do it anyway' part, the part where you have to be really brave, really strong and really resilient. Break your rule. Eat your pitta bread heheh. Maybe if you believe the earlier mentioned rule, that you must make your children home cooked meals every day or else you are a bad parent, you could go straight to McDonalds and treat your children to a burger and chips. When you roll down the window and speak to the server, your voice will be shaking. When you pay the cashier the money, your hands will be quivering. When you see your children squeal in delight over a curly fry, your mind will be screaming 'you are a bad bad bad parent, if you were any good you would be slaving over the oven right now, you clearly don't truly care for your children, you are bad bad bad'. It's going to be hard and you are going to have to sit through and tolerate that anxiety...but the sparkle of sunshine is that that anxiety will dissipate. You will survive your rebellion and you will live to see that all of your worst fears and 'what ifs' in fact did not come true. The following day I asked myself if any of my feared 'will definitely happen' consequences came true. Did I die alone? Nope. Did my friends hate me? Nope. Did I become obese? I hope not! Did I have a horrible night? Absolutely not! Only through testing and defying your rules can you further discover if they hold any truths or necessity in your life. Furthermore, when you break it once, you will find that it becomes automatically easier to break it a second time. Through continued exposure and testing of your boundaries, you will realise that there was no need to have been so strict and restraining towards yourself for so long!

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lots of love & peace & happiness


Lauren x