12 Life Lessons From 2018
Happy new year beautiful! It's been a while..I have felt a little uninspired, stressed and drained lately when it came to writing and so I decided to take a break for a little bit. I'm trying to treat this blog as a creative outlet or hobby, however recently it had been turning into a chore of which I had to tend to. I'm truly sorry if I have let anyone down but I love and care for this too much for it to turn into something that doesn't contain my true heart, soul and energy.
The beginning of a new cycle around the sun often compels us to reflect on the days of the year that just so fleetingly went by. Like last year, I found myself questioning if we had known what destiny had planned out for us in 2018, would we have squealed in joy or shuddered in fear as the clock stroke twelve on the final eve. Would we tread carefully as the year began to pass or recklessly throw caution to the wind in the security of knowing that nothing could be done to alter our chosen path? However, embracing 2018 in blissful oblivion enabled me to learn, experience and grow in ways that pre-instilled knowledge could have ever taught me. Albeit, if I could hold past Lauren's hand and softly surrender secret suggestions, this is what I would tell her. (Also included are my favourite moments that were captured from each month).
'The chief beauty about time is that you cannot waste it in advance. The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you, as perfect, as unspoiled, as if you had never wasted or misapplied a single moment in all your life. You can turn over a new leaf every hour if you choose.'
January
I know you can feel you are losing yourself and I know you are pretending not to worry but it's ok that you're so scared. You can see what is happening but your desire for outside validation and approval is outweighing your own ability to gain self acceptance. You are too blinded by pleasing and such foreign, amazing yet daunting future memories that the unwilling shift occurring is going unnoticed within your own heart. Please don't change for anyone else. Of course you need to figure out who you are but please listen to your scared and screaming heart, it's most likely trying to tell you something. Evolution is necessary, we must all transform and metamorphose, however, make sure that these changes are what you want and need and are not uncomfortably out of your control. Let go, but please, at your own pace and time. You may have to hold or even hide your beaming light within, do whatever it takes, anything to avoid your sparkle being fully dulled.
Reminiscing in January.
February
You are loved. Let the right people show it to you and give it to you. Stop rejecting care and affection. Stop wondering if you really deserve kindness or if it's all fake. Maybe, just maybe, believe in what others think, say and do for once. You are so lucky. You have the most amazing people in your life. I promise this isn't a lie, these people don't secretly hate you. And no, you're not a fraud. You're not an imposter of whom's 'innate badness' is hidden from those surrounding. You're fragile and small and all too full of self hatred to even allow the possibility of love in. These people see the true you and they love her exactly for who she is. Focus on those who fully accept you for all that you are and for all that they believe you to further become.
My best friend Tracy and I at my birthday in February. This photo makes me so happy, I love her.
March
You don't always have to do what everyone else is doing. Listen to your heart and body intelligence. Allow your intuition to guide you. Sometimes you may have to delve deeper but more often than not, your actions need not an explanation. Your soul knows what's best for you. Nobody is you; no one thinks your thoughts, harbours your emotions or experiences your bliss and pain, thus, nobody can choose; only you.
Exploring new places and embracing new adventures in March.
April
The constant tummy pains and anxious heart is your soul screaming out under its repression. I wish you could realise that you aren't meant to nor deserve to feel this way. You're so lost and scared and so you're gripping at anything to make you feel safe again, to make you feel wanted, cared for, appreciated, noticed...to feel anything. No exterior thing will ever give you that feeling of satiety and safety, you must reach and look within. You harbour all of the love you need and only you can grant yourself the permission to be truly and authentically you. Within you there is an endless fountain of love, an overflowing stream of peace and a perpetual light of hope. Like a treasure hunt, you must first reach difficult emotional milestones and overcome necessary, yet often painful, challenges before you can attain of the glimmering gold. I am sorry you are in this fog but I think its clearing will teach you something about yourself.
April sunsets.
May
A band aid will never heal an aching wound. I have tummy pains thinking of you here, I feel so sorry for you. In a few years time you will look back and hopefully realise that there was no need to hate yourself so much for who you were then. It's a few months later and I think you hate her even more now. Loathing the past will not change it. Not pretty enough, not kind enough, not smart enough, not lovely enough, not strong enough, too fat, too short, too silly, too drunk, too sober, hair too flat, nose too crooked, skin too pale, voice too high, clothes too plain, personality too boring...anything I missed? Perfectionism is the root of despair. You dislike the fact that you aren't living up to your own ideals of perfection but that is something you have to remember, these are your own ideals, probably set all too high and all too unrealistic. I'm beginning to think that you will never ever ever feel enough Lauren, and, if you do achieve 'perfection' in certain segments, another area of lack in your life will come to head. Growth is a process. Perfectionism is the enemy of progress and peace. Someday you will allow yourself to be perfectly imperfect, but for now, just try your best to forgive all that you are not and relish in all that you are.
Graduated with my best friends in May!
June
Having your beliefs broken will become the initial shards that begin to crack your heart, yet, it still won't hurt as much as when it shatters completely. Hope can sometimes be a dangerous thing for a girl like you (hey there Lana Del Rey heheh). Your naivety will always conquer your logic and that's ok, I now believe it is something to be admired. I wish I could say to prepare yourself, to place value in the warning signs, to put yourself first and to run, but, if you skipped straight to the sunshine then you will never get to experience the hail, and, the rainbows. Both will help you to grow and to strengthen. It's an experience. Life is all about the black and the white for everyone; the light and the dark, the love and the loss.
Beautiful Bulgarian sunsets in June.
July
Let the summer wind sweep away all worries, allow the sun to melt away all troubles. Have fun and enjoy these beautiful new moments. Watch how the waves crash to the shore without apology or planned execution. Embrace the power of anonymity, you can be whoever you want to be; you can be you. Allow the foreign home birds to teach you the art of being lost in confidence, safe in the escape of knowing you can not be found. Times can change but the memories will never. You are young, you are free, enjoy this fairy tale. The wicked witches will always waver but that doesn't mean you can't embrace your sweet time as a princess. This isn't true magic, not even close, but this is the beginning of you realising that it's out there. Just you wait until you are enchanted, a queen without a monster insight.
Ticked the beautiful Croatia off my bucket list in July.
August
Be proud of yourself, allow yourself to be celebrated by both others and yourself. Smile. You don't have to be so modest. Take it all in. Be happy and try not to move on to the next goal of which you feel needs to be reached all too quickly. Wallow in the greatness that is your own personal definition of success. You actually do warrant it, you deserve good things and it's about time you begin to believe that!
My dream came true in August.
September
Your heart will feel ripped to shreds but it will also stitch back together again. You'll giggle looking back at this time, you will heal! You don't have to keep putting on a brave strong face; you're allowed to feel this pain. I know all you want to do is run back to the agony that you know. Yes, further starvation will give you a sense of control over the ache but it won't solve anything. You have to feel this, no running away. This is a universal human suffering. This is a hurt only time can heal.
New beautiful friends, new beautiful experiences and new beautiful opportunities. Embarking on the new beautiful journey of university in September.
October
Let go and have fun. Feel what it's like to be a teenager in college; young and free and full of spontaneous uncertainty. Surprise yourself and try something new. What if the true you is the girl who goes out every night of the week or maybe she prefers sunrise yoga and nighttime journaling in solitude...or perhaps both! I know you feel scared and uncomfortable but force yourself out of your comfort zone; that's where the magic happens and where real life lives.
My beautiful sister Leah graduated in October. I am so proud of her. She inspires me every single moment.
November
You feel like you're being swept by a current, unable to swim against the water's tide, unable to navigate your own flow. You are going through the motions and sometimes that's just what you have to do; a survival mechanism. It is a sign that you are out of touch with your true self; your own wants, needs and values. It's ok to be too scared to process everything. If ignoring the pain is what you need to do right now to persevere in the real world then that is ok, but do not expect to feel ok in doing so. There is always a trade off. To function so well externally in such circumstances must mean that internally you feel lost at sea. I know it's a horrible sensation, feeling so separated from your own mind and true self, but you won't feel like this forever. Just keep going for now, once this semester is over, you can bravely feel and confront all of the unprocessed thoughts tucked away deeply in the crevasses of your mind.
In November, Berlin taught me that there is a place for everyone in this world..if you can't fit in, move here hehe!
December
It's time to put yourself first. Please stop wondering and worrying. This is the last December I allow you to feel so full of self hatred! Nobody sees you the way you see yourself. Imagine if you felt about yourself the way others feel about you. You could be unstoppable and maybe that's what scares you. Maybe it's not your darkness but the fear of just how bright you could truly glow, if you allowed yourself to, that terrifies you. What do you want to do? Who is it that you want to be? What way is it that you want to feel? 'Decide what kind of life you actually want. Then say no to everything that isn’t that.' Be patient, I truly believe your time is coming but that means that you have to blindly embrace your true self and ignore all of which negates that.
This beautiful magical soul can never not make me giggle and smile, I love you Eimear! A December snippet of love, smiles and drunken fun. I look like a thumb but trying not to care lol...if you can't laugh at yourself then what can you do!
If you could give the beautiful pre-2018 version of you some advice what would you say? Feel free to let me know in the comments below (it makes my day getting such kind lovely messages from you, it means the world that these posts are helping people). I hope this year was a year of growth love and happiness for you.
I hope you enjoyed!
lots of love & peace & happiness
Lauren x
