Letting Go & Embracing Change
'You are killing yourself...for now you're surviving but how long more will you pretend to be living?', my doctor asked me yesterday and for once, I burst into tears. I had been told since diagnosis that I was in constant danger of death but for some reason yesterday, in my state of 'I'm doing great' oblivion, her words really upset me. I always heard of people experiencing a light bulb moment in their recovery journey but after all of this time I think perhaps, maybe, it finally happened to me. She continued, 'But there is hope; you have the power to change this, it may be destroying you but you can choose to fight back and finally turn your life around, you can choose to get healthier, you can choose to change'.
I got on the train home and in a flurry of tears I took out my journal and started scrawling. I begged the Universe, God, anyone who was watching over me, for help. 'I'm so scared, I don't know what to do, will I ever get better, I'm trying so hard but it's still not enough, I want to live, I want to recover but I don't want to get fatter...please give me a sign; something, anything, please let me know it is all going to be ok'. I hadn't even put down the pen when my phone lit up; a message from Spotify notifying me of Kesha's newest album. I put in my ear buds, pressed shuffle and maxed the volume to try and drown out my thoughts. When I heard the lyrics of 'Learn to Let Go' I started to smile, here was the Universe, or whoever's out there minding me, giving me the sign which I had just been begging for!
I know I'm always like
Telling everybody you don't gotta be a victim
Telling everybody you don't gotta be a victim
Life ain’t always fair, but hell is living in resentment
Choose redemption
Your happy ending's up to you
Choose redemption
Your happy ending's up to you
I see now maybe there’s a reason why
I've been through hell and back
Honestly, it's all made me who I am
Holding on to wasted time
Gotta learn to let go in life
Holding on to wasted time
Gotta learn to let go in life
And so, as terrified and stuck as I feel, I know that this is the time when I really need to let go. I didn't choose this illness but I can choose to fight it. Is there something holding you back? Is there something you're terrified of letting go? It's now or never. Perhaps you are stuck in the hope of 'someday'; someday it will be good, someday I'll be happy, someday I'll be free. It occurred to me that in order to reach that 'someday' we have to take action on this day. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I was alerted yesterday that this day last year I believed that that 'someday' would have occurred already, but here I am still believing in a better tomorrow and if I don't push forward I will be still stuck in this 'someday syndrome' when I'm 50 years old, living my life in and out of hospital, merely surviving instead of truly thriving.
Change is scary, uncertainty is scary but nothing is scarier than remaining stuck in somewhere you don't belong. Here are some ways I am helping myself embrace this scary but exciting change.
1. Promise
Make a 'promise of change' action plan and ensure you stick to it. Accountability with change is very important so maybe you could share your new adventures with a friend or loved one? Identify what you need to do and figure out how you will do it. Break it into small but manageable steps. Put all of your emotions aside, act as if you are taking charge of someone else's life and ask yourself the question, 'What would someone who loves themselves do?'. Perhaps you are miserable in your college course, friendship or work situation; it will be difficult but if you are truly in such a desperate need of change then you have to figure out exactly how you will change. Are you going to quit your job and set up your own business? Will you cut ties with that person who leaves you feeling awful? Can you sell your house and finally live off grid in the jungle? Try to also identify any possible obstacles which you may encounter and make a list of ways in which you can and will overcome them. Keep a look out for my future post on how to overcome obstacles!
2. Inspire
This morning I followed my 'promise of change' to increase the calorie content of my snacks, and so with that, I ate my first banana in over three whole years, in addition to my normal snack. I was terrified, my head was screaming 'fat fat fat' but with every mouthful I mentally repeated, 'do it for Hong Kong, do it for Paris, do it for Cape Town, do it for Rome'. It helped me immensely and gave me the extra boost of motivation and hope I needed. Do whatever you have to do to help embrace your change! Perhaps you need to cover your walls with inspiring quotes, make a list of reasons why you want to change or maybe you need to take time off work and care for yourself. I want to be known for kindness, love, care, altruism and inspiration...not pitied and viewed as the 'poor sick girl'. This is your life, you owe nothing to no-one, do what you have to do, for you!
This morning I followed my 'promise of change' to increase the calorie content of my snacks, and so with that, I ate my first banana in over three whole years, in addition to my normal snack. I was terrified, my head was screaming 'fat fat fat' but with every mouthful I mentally repeated, 'do it for Hong Kong, do it for Paris, do it for Cape Town, do it for Rome'. It helped me immensely and gave me the extra boost of motivation and hope I needed. Do whatever you have to do to help embrace your change! Perhaps you need to cover your walls with inspiring quotes, make a list of reasons why you want to change or maybe you need to take time off work and care for yourself. I want to be known for kindness, love, care, altruism and inspiration...not pitied and viewed as the 'poor sick girl'. This is your life, you owe nothing to no-one, do what you have to do, for you!
3. Transform
'Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change'. My amazing doctor reminded me of the beauty of the true person I am beneath my illness and of the wonderful life that is still ahead of me, but in which only embracing change and uncertainty, I can attain. Instead of viewing change as a scary and terrifying ideal, view it as exciting. Instead of being terrified of gaining weight, losing control, eating more food, becoming fat, failing and the many other fears that come with recovery, I am going to try on focus and believe in the beauty of my dreams; finishing the leaving cert, finally going to college, learning new languages, helping the less fortunate, travelling the world, meeting new people, experiencing different cultures, starting my own business and inspiring other beings. All of your dreams are possible but you have to have the courage to pursue them! This video on alternating viewpoints may aid you in transforming your perception.
'Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change'. My amazing doctor reminded me of the beauty of the true person I am beneath my illness and of the wonderful life that is still ahead of me, but in which only embracing change and uncertainty, I can attain. Instead of viewing change as a scary and terrifying ideal, view it as exciting. Instead of being terrified of gaining weight, losing control, eating more food, becoming fat, failing and the many other fears that come with recovery, I am going to try on focus and believe in the beauty of my dreams; finishing the leaving cert, finally going to college, learning new languages, helping the less fortunate, travelling the world, meeting new people, experiencing different cultures, starting my own business and inspiring other beings. All of your dreams are possible but you have to have the courage to pursue them! This video on alternating viewpoints may aid you in transforming your perception.
'Suddenly you know it's time to start something new and trust the magic of new beginnings '.
Please let me know what 'banana' you are going to 'eat' on your journey, heheh, we are all in this together! I hope you enjoyed this post, please leave any suggestions or questions anonymously in the 'ASK' section of my blog and in the comments below. Click here to subscribe to my newsletter for updates on new blog posts. Thank you so much for reading!
lots of love & peace & happiness
Lauren x
2 comments
Lauren, you truly are an inspiration! For someone so young, you really are a wise old owl! I miss your face, feel like I haven't seen you in ages!! Keep inspiring, you truly are a beautiful soul xx Caroline O' D xx
ReplyDeleteCaroline you are amazing thank you so so much, I miss seeing your beautiful face too! I'm up next Thursday so I hope to see you then?! Lots of love, Lauren xxxx
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