The Heart Whispers

I've been thinking a lot lately and I've been feeling very very scared. Scared of where I am, where I'm going and where I may end up. Change, a trip away, sudden surprises and the re-ignition of mental flames we perhaps thought we had once quenched, can cause us to really reevaluate and question everything. 

I find myself in a gushing stream, no control over the ravaging current while being dragged along with the flow, but, it isn't that bad, it's grand, it's ok...I say to myself. 

Suddenly yet inevitably I hit a whirlpool and in the midst of drowning I breathlessly scream, 'how did I get here?', 'why didn't I do something about this earlier when deep down I knew it wasn't alright?', 'how did I allow this to happen?!'. But then the wind changes, the current calms, the tide turns and I can paddle away from the pain.

However, the whirling water haunts me and its memories reveal nature's previous warning signs of which I ignored; believing that being dragged downstream is a quality existence, that a life dulled by fear and pain is ok because at least I'm not drowning; I'm just about breathing, head above water, somehow floating and perhaps that's all I'll ever deserve...I've learned to accept that perhaps, that is ok.

Such whirlpools shock me into questioning my beliefs and into recognising self-denial until the waves and whirls of memory begin to dissipate and I become accustomed to the terrifying currents once again, regaining the thoughts of 'at least long last, I am getting to experience the sea'. 

Such recent events however, I am trying not to simply swim through. In a way, I want to dissect and hold onto this pain because these feelings are the only times I feel scared enough to not only grab a life buoy but to hopefully get out of the gosh dam water!

The whirlpool I am talking about was a recent trip away with my family. It was magical yet at times I felt so miserable. I don't know how to describe these feelings other than through metaphor. I felt trapped behind a glass bubble, physically there and present, yet, like so very often, never able to fully reach through. On this trip I realised just how much this illness consumes my every moment. The lights were on but there was very much no one upstairs heheh. 

12 Life Lessons From 2018

Happy new year beautiful! It's been a while..I have felt a little uninspired, stressed and drained lately when it came to writing and so I decided to take a break for a little bit. I'm trying to treat this blog as a creative outlet or hobby, however recently it had been turning into a chore of which I had to tend to. I'm truly sorry if I have let anyone down but I love and care for this too much for it to turn into something that doesn't contain my true heart, soul and energy. 

The beginning of a new cycle around the sun often compels us to reflect on the days of the year that just so fleetingly went by. Like last year, I found myself questioning if we had known what destiny had planned out for us in 2018, would we have squealed in joy or shuddered in fear as the clock stroke twelve on the final eve. Would we tread carefully as the year began to pass or recklessly throw caution to the wind in the security of knowing that nothing could be done to alter our chosen path? However, embracing 2018 in blissful oblivion enabled me to learn, experience and grow in ways that pre-instilled knowledge could have ever taught me. Albeit, if I could hold past Lauren's hand and softly surrender secret suggestions, this is what I would tell her. (Also included are my favourite moments that were captured from each month).

January

I know you can feel you are losing yourself and I know you are pretending not to worry but it's ok that you're so scared. You can see what is happening but your desire for outside validation and approval is outweighing your own ability to gain self acceptance. You are too blinded by pleasing and such foreign, amazing yet daunting future memories that the unwilling shift occurring is going unnoticed within your own heart. Please don't change for anyone else. Of course you need to figure out who you are but please listen to your scared and screaming heart, it's most likely trying to tell you something. Evolution is necessary, we must all transform and metamorphose, however, make sure that these changes are what you want and need and are not uncomfortably out of your control. Let go, but please, at your own pace and time. You may have to hold or even hide your beaming light within, do whatever it takes, anything to avoid your sparkle being fully dulled.

Reminiscing in January.

February

You are loved. Let the right people show it to you and give it to you. Stop rejecting care and affection. Stop wondering if you really deserve kindness or if it's all fake. Maybe, just maybe, believe in what others think, say and do for once. You are so lucky. You have the most amazing people in your life. I promise this isn't a lie, these people don't secretly hate you. And no, you're not a fraud. You're not an imposter of whom's 'innate badness' is hidden from those surrounding. You're fragile and small and all too full of self hatred to even allow the possibility of love in. These people see the true you and they love her exactly for who she is. Focus on those who fully accept you for all that you are and for all that they believe you to further become.

My best friend Tracy and I at my birthday in February. This photo makes me so happy, I love her.

March

You don't always have to do what everyone else is doing. Listen to your heart and body intelligence. Allow your intuition to guide you. Sometimes you may have to delve deeper but more often than not, your actions need not an explanation. Your soul knows what's best for you. Nobody is you; no one thinks your thoughts, harbours your emotions or experiences your bliss and pain, thus, nobody can choose; only you.

Exploring new places and embracing new adventures in March.

April

The constant tummy pains and anxious heart is your soul screaming out under its repression. I wish you could realise that you aren't meant to nor deserve to feel this way. You're so lost and scared and so you're gripping at anything to make you feel safe again, to make you feel wanted, cared for, appreciated, noticed...to feel anything. No exterior thing will ever give you that feeling of satiety and safety, you must reach and look within. You harbour all of the love you need and only you can grant yourself the permission to be truly and authentically you. Within you there is an endless fountain of love, an overflowing stream of peace and a perpetual light of hope. Like a treasure hunt, you must first reach difficult emotional milestones and overcome necessary, yet often painful, challenges before you can attain of the glimmering gold. I am sorry you are in this fog but I think its clearing will teach you something about yourself.

April sunsets.

May

A band aid will never heal an aching wound. I have tummy pains thinking of you here, I feel so sorry for you. In a few years time you will look back and hopefully realise that there was no need to hate yourself so much for who you were then. It's a few months later and I think you hate her even more now. Loathing the past will not change it. Not pretty enough, not kind enough, not smart enough, not lovely enough, not strong enough, too fat, too short, too silly, too drunk, too sober, hair too flat, nose too crooked, skin too pale, voice too high, clothes too plain, personality too boring...anything I missed? Perfectionism is the root of despair. You dislike the fact that you aren't living up to your own ideals of perfection but that is something you have to remember, these are your own ideals, probably set all too high and all too unrealistic. I'm beginning to think that you will never ever ever feel enough Lauren, and, if you do achieve 'perfection' in certain segments, another area of lack in your life will come to head. Growth is a process. Perfectionism is the enemy of progress and peace. Someday you will allow yourself to be perfectly imperfect, but for now, just try your best to forgive all that you are not and relish in all that you are.

Graduated with my best friends in May!

June

Having your beliefs broken will become the initial shards that begin to crack your heart, yet, it still won't hurt as much as when it shatters completely. Hope can sometimes be a dangerous thing for a girl like you (hey there Lana Del Rey heheh). Your naivety will always conquer your logic and that's ok, I now believe it is something to be admired. I wish I could say to prepare yourself, to place value in the warning signs, to put yourself first and to run, but, if you skipped straight to the sunshine then you will never get to experience the hail, and, the rainbows. Both will help you to grow and to strengthen. It's an experience. Life is all about the black and the white for everyone; the light and the dark, the love and the loss.

Beautiful Bulgarian sunsets in June.

July

Let the summer wind sweep away all worries, allow the sun to melt away all troubles. Have fun and enjoy these beautiful new moments. Watch how the waves crash to the shore without apology or planned execution. Embrace the power of anonymity, you can be whoever you want to be; you can be you. Allow the foreign home birds to teach you the art of being lost in confidence, safe in the escape of knowing you can not be found. Times can change but the memories will never. You are young, you are free, enjoy this fairy tale. The wicked witches will always waver but that doesn't mean you can't embrace your sweet time as a princess. This isn't true magic, not even close, but this is the beginning of you realising that it's out there. Just you wait until you are enchanted, a queen without a monster insight.

Ticked the beautiful Croatia off my bucket list in July.

August

Be proud of yourself, allow yourself to be celebrated by both others and yourself. Smile. You don't have to be so modest. Take it all in. Be happy and try not to move on to the next goal of which you feel needs to be reached all too quickly. Wallow in the greatness that is your own personal definition of success. You actually do warrant it, you deserve good things and it's about time you begin to believe that!

 My dream came true in August.

September

Your heart will feel ripped to shreds but it will also stitch back together again. You'll giggle looking back at this time, you will heal! You don't have to keep putting on a brave strong face; you're allowed to feel this pain. I know all you want to do is run back to the agony that you know. Yes, further starvation will give you a sense of control over the ache but it won't solve anything. You have to feel this, no running away. This is a universal human suffering. This is a hurt only time can heal. 

October

Let go and have fun. Feel what it's like to be a teenager in college; young and free and full of spontaneous uncertainty. Surprise yourself and try something new. What if the true you is the girl who goes out every night of the week or maybe she prefers sunrise yoga and nighttime journaling in solitude...or perhaps both! I know you feel scared and uncomfortable but force yourself out of your comfort zone; that's where the magic happens and where real life lives.

My beautiful sister Leah graduated in October. I am so proud of her. She inspires me every single moment.

November

You feel like you're being swept by a current, unable to swim against the water's tide, unable to navigate your own flow. You are going through the motions and sometimes that's just what you have to do; a survival mechanism. It is a sign that you are out of touch with your true self; your own wants, needs and values. It's ok to be too scared to process everything. If ignoring the pain is what you need to do right now to persevere in the real world then that is ok, but do not expect to feel ok in doing so. There is always a trade off. To function so well externally in such circumstances must mean that internally you feel lost at sea. I know it's a horrible sensation, feeling so separated from your own mind and true self, but you won't feel like this forever. Just keep going for now, once this semester is over, you can bravely feel and confront all of the unprocessed thoughts tucked away deeply in the crevasses of your mind.

In November, Berlin taught me that there is a place for everyone in this world..if you can't fit in, move here hehe!

December

It's time to put yourself first. Please stop wondering and worrying. This is the last December I allow you to feel so full of self hatred! Nobody sees you the way you see yourself. Imagine if you felt about yourself the way others feel about you. You could be unstoppable and maybe that's what scares you. Maybe it's not your darkness but the fear of just how bright you could truly glow, if you allowed yourself to, that terrifies you. What do you want to do? Who is it that you want to be? What way is it that you want to feel? 'Decide what kind of life you actually want. Then say no to everything that isn’t that.' Be patient, I truly believe your time is coming but that means that you have to blindly embrace your true self and ignore all of which negates that. 

This beautiful magical soul can never not make me giggle and smile, I love you Eimear! A December snippet of love, smiles and drunken fun. I look like a thumb but trying not to care lol...if you can't laugh at yourself then what can you do!

If you could give the beautiful pre-2018 version of you some advice what would you say? Feel free to let me know in the comments below (it makes my day getting such kind lovely messages from you, it means the world that these posts are helping people). I hope this year was a year of growth love and happiness for you. 

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I hope you enjoyed!

lots of love & peace & happiness

Mental hospital taught me the true meaning of power. While the process of any form of treatment is the slow regaining of your true power and not that of your addiction or illness, in the beginning of treatment I felt so incredibly powerless. Nothing strips you of your human dignity more than being told that you aren't allowed to walk or that you have to put more than a milligram of porridge on your spoon at a time. The pain and shame that came with having a nurse hold your hand as you cried over more blood tests and the humiliation and confusion that came with having a flashlight pointed at you every half hour to check you are sleeping, is both degrading and humbling. Such moments of intense helplessness and a screaming suppressed ego helped me to analyse my true definition of power and dignity. I felt like a puppet, my strings controlled by psychiatrists, nurses and doctors. On reflection I can see that it was exactly what had to, and in some aspects still needs to, occur in my life. I now believe that true power is being able to control ones thoughts, emotions and actions. I believed I lost every ounce of power when I first began treatment, however I can realise now that I lost my true power a long long time before that; the very moment mental illness infested my mind. In order to learn how to gain true power, I believe we must start from scratch. Like a weed, in order to cleanse the soil, sometimes you have to dig up the whole garden, including the beautiful flowers. I used to believe that power was going three days without food and running until you collapsed. However, my true self also valued that power was freedom, self expression and choice. Yet, just like the weed, in order to cleanse the soul, sometimes you have to strip away all of your power including your core beliefs in order to rebuild your true healthy self. I am still understanding that true power is perhaps being able to admit that you feel powerless within certain aspects of your life. True power is opening up about your suffering and reaching out for help. 'The ultimate human freedom; the power to choose, to respond, to change'.

Kindness Is Everything

Mental hospital taught me that there is no greater connector and soul bearer than pain. 'If I tell these private thoughts of mine, it is because I know they are not mine alone, and that practically everyone is trying to say the same things and that the writer is only a man who says out loud what other people think or whisper.' Sitting down for dinner with the six other patients on the eating disorder ward taught me how pain transcends all genders, ages, ethnicities and people. We all had different stories, different backgrounds, different lives yet one thing connected each and every one of us; we were each in turmoil, we all used food and our bodies as a way of escaping our inner pain and we were all fighting really really hard. I now believe that suffering supersedes all outward projections and inner beliefs. When I found myself being held by a lady 30 years older than me as I cried because the nurse had poured my milk just slightly above the required line, I finally felt understood and accepted. She understood the thoughts, the pain and the irrationality of the eating disordered voices; she had the exact same monster in her mind telling her the exact same things. We were so different yet so exactly the same. We would later spend the next five months being each other's daily cheerleaders as we came across challenges like a horrific St Patrick's day dessert that only we will ever understand and still giggle about to this day heheh...(long story including screaming at nurses and disgusting green (?!?) cream). I learned that pain strips back all outer facades and reveals the true vulnerable, scared yet sacred soul beneath. Whether you are rich or poor, black or white, young or old...we all have pain and we all endure suffering. How refreshing and reassuring to know that you are not alone.

Vulnerability Is Courage

Mental hospital taught me that you have to open your hands if you want to be held. We all just want to feel connection, acceptance and love but how can we let someone touch our heart if we have built up impermeable walls around it? Vulnerability is terrifying, allowing ourselves to be seen as our true messy and unique selves is scary. Even finding the willingness to say 'I love you' first without any guarantee of a return is terrifying, however, such vulnerability is the only key that unlocks the gate to pure love and heavenly happiness. 'What happens when we open our hearts? We get better.'

Mental Monsters

Mental hospital taught me that mental monsters are real. Perhaps the greatest crux of all mental illness' is the resolute belief in the sufferer that there is no illness at all, that we are all perfectly ok. I don't think I ever believed I would write this but...I escaped from a mental hospital heheh. It sounds like something you would see on an advert for a horror movie...it's true but not as dramatic as it sounds I promise! This incident helped me to somewhat understand and believe the seriousness of this illness. During my second admission I wasn't allowed to leave the ward without a wheelchair in the beginning. On my second night I felt so guilty, I needed to walk, I had to burn calories and so I ran for the hills. I bundled up in layers of jackets, covered my face and sneaked past the nursing station. I crept through the winding corridors and ran out the gates into the freezing February evening. I kept going and going until my rational mind decided to finally kick in and I realised just how much trouble I was going to get myself into as well as the risk I was putting my body at. This moment helped awaken me to the sheer power and threat of the monsters in our minds! The illness didn't care that my biggest values in life are kindness and honesty; it made me hide crusts up my sleeves, scrape custard under my nails and scream at poor dieticians who were only trying to help me. Mental hospital proved to teach me that mental monsters are not quirks or ways of being; they are infectious vicious weeds that will poison and contaminate each and every part of you, willing to do anything to survive and hold you under their thumb.

Simple Is Sweet

Mental hospital taught me how to truly love and appreciate the simple things in life. No gift, holiday or amount of money could measure up to the joy of waiting by the window and finally seeing your parents driving in the hospital gates on a Friday night or a message from a friend asking how you are doing or feeling the wind brushing through your hair after not being allowed to leave your ward for so long or snuggling up in bed reading your favourite book or watching the cherry trees coming into full bloom in Spring. I learned that these are the true jewels in life. There is beauty in simplicity. Today please try to appreciate the small treasures that surround you. 'The earth has music for those who listen'.

You Are Transforming

Mental hospital taught me that to suffer is to grow, to unfold, to bloom. 'Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a beautiful butterfly'. When you alter your perspective, suffering can be viewed as a beautiful transformation, a form of metamorphism. I learned more about myself as a human being during my time in hospital than I have ever at any time before. I learned that I can be strong, I can endure pain and I can survive a lot more than I ever thought; and so can you, it's our fearful minds that make us believe we can not! 'Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.'

It's Up To You

Mental hospital taught me that nobody can save you from your pain, it's up to you. I learned this after being discharged from the adolescent ward; my favourite nurse held my hand as she said she was sorry for not being able to help me enough. She could see through the facades of fake happiness and knew I was falling hard and fast down the dark hole of relapse weeks before I had even left. Six months later when I met her on the corridors of the adult hospital she hugged me and kissed words upon my soul that were simultaneously earth shattering and liberating; 'You didn't choose to get this illness, but unfortunately and also fortunately Lauren, you are the only person who can choose to fight it and get better...it is all ultimately up to you'. 

My Friend Ana

Ninety three. A sliver of silver moonlight slices across my bathroom tiles contrasting with the neon flashing digits beneath my toes. I look out out of my window to see the pale stars glistening like tiny holes in the floor of heaven, the moon a golden reflection of the hidden sun. The beauty lasts only momentarily when Ana suddenly interrupts, ‘Get going Lauren, you’re wasting precious time’. My numb blue feet make their usual dance across the cold wet tiles.

lots of love & peace & happiness



Lauren x