Tear Up Your Rulebook

What are some rules you live by? Rules are convenient, necessary perhaps even essential to our daily lives. If we didn't have rules there would be chaos, disorder and sheer pandemonium. Regulations keep us in line, help us to understand what is right and wrong, while they also guide us in our every day lives and subconscious actions. But what if all rules aren't so helpful? What if the rules we are living by, the boundaries of which we are trying to act within and the precedents of which we are ensuring we must always abide by, are the very things that are causing chaos in our minds and turmoil in our hearts? What if our rules become toxic evil spells of which we feel there is no escape?

Last Monday I broke a major rule of mine. I am the type of person who likes to be really organised and in control, who likes to know exactly what is happening and who can plan everything into a set scheduled routine. Last Monday was different though. It was 9pm, I was in my pyjamas in my college apartment when my friends came in, all done up, telling me to get ready and that we were all going out. I froze. I did not know what to do! My inner mind was screaming at me..'NO NO NO, you can not go out!!! You can NOT do something spontaneous and unexpected. You have to have this planned. You didn't eat crackers for lunch today and you ALWAYS do that before nights out. You ate a pitta bread for lunch, you can't you simple can not drink alcohol without having eaten crackers for lunch. That's the rule and you can NOT break your rules. You can't break your rituals. You know there are xx more calories in your pitta than there are in your crackers, everyone is going to be looking at you and laughing at how fat and disgusting you are!! It's 9pm, it takes you at least 2 hours to try to look half way decent...if you go out you will look and feel disgusting. You don't deserve to have spontaneous fun, you are not allowed that. Everyone will see you for how fat and disgusting you are! Get into bed and go to sleep, NOW'.

I had only ever broken this standard once before in August of 2017 and doing so scarred me so much that the date became notched onto my brain and I since vowed to never ever ever challenge that self imposed law again. It wasn't the breaking of the rule that terrified me, it was the sheer anxiety that came from tolerating the pain of doing the opposite to what my own mind had told me, that made me quiver. The thing is though, the true inner me wanted to scream yes and go out with my friends, to socialise, to have fun and to live a normal college student life...but I couldn't. 'I really really want to but I can't I can't I can't'; I said it over and over until someone asked me why and my only response was 'because'. How do you tell someone 'oh you see I don't allow myself to have fun unless I pre punish myself and ensure that I have stuck by a pre night out routine, also and most importantly, I had a pitta for lunch today and that's not part of the routine so I can't :)'. I don't know how or why or where it came from, but I am so grateful that an inner courageous voice whispered to my heart, 'go'. And so against every engrained rule and fear, I put on my makeup, did my hair, painted on fake tan (hehe) and got changed; all in a record breaking 30 minutes! And guess what...it was such a lovely night out! Just like that night back in August, despite all of the 'I can'ts, I shouldn'ts and I mustn'ts', I had an amazing night that night too (of course with the help of a little alcohol that definitely eased anxieties hehe). The next day however was the crux for me. The thoughts of shame, regret and self hatred came crashing through. I was so angry at myself, well my perfectionist self was fuming anyway! I felt I had to be punished. It was simply unacceptable to have had spontaneous fun, to not have followed my pre night out routine and to have ignored and overridden my own self proclaimed standards. Luckily on that Tuesday, I had an appointment with my doctor, I text my mom and also met with my angel role model of a sister. They helped me beyond words. They helped me to rationally and calmly question this one rule, its value in my life, its benefits and/or drawbacks and most of all they helped me to realise that normal human beings do not really think that way and it is completely OK to go out and enjoy yourself and have fun. They helped me to break my rule and to be ok in doing so. If I can do it, you can too...we all can! Here are somethings I learned and my fabulous supports taught me about rules, standards and toxic evil spells.

Pick the spell of which you are under, a rule you live by. Perhaps it is 'I can not go to bed unless I wash all of the dishes', 'I can never ever fail a test' or 'I must say yes to every invite no matter how I am feeling and no matter what is occurring in my own life'.

Question It

Apply some perspective to your rule and question its validity. Is this a common human rule that many people have, like having to brush your teeth in the morning, or is this a rule that only you have created and placed on your life alone, a standard which would be very uncommon and unfair if applied to anyone else? My rule for example, 'I must eat crackers for lunch on the days of which I will be going out' is a rule that I presume not many people live by. This time last year I was able to eat my usual pitta bread for lunch and still go out that night, however, over summer I developed the crackers habit (literally, it was crackers heheh) and that habit suddenly became a rule, of which if I broke, there would be severe consequences. It was only when I relayed this rule to my supports the following day that I realised just how inhumane and unjust it was. I couldn't believe when my sister told me that almost every other person eats what they want during a day regardless of if they are going out that night or not. Most humans don't live by a rule that because they ate this or that, they are not allowed to feel good, have fun, be seen, feel worthy, drink alcohol or eat something else. My sister even pointed out to me that when the majority of people do go out or attend events, they eat more than they would on an average day...such as birthday cake or 3am post nightclub pizza. After hearing these rational opposing theories to my belief, my rule didn't seem as solid or valid anymore. Apply this to your rule, ask your friends and supports about their beliefs and see whether your standards are adequate or just absolute 'crackers' hehe.

Say It To Your BFF

Turn to your best friend and tell them 'you are not allowed to relax until you have completed every single piece of homework, I don't care how tired you are' or 'you must not leave your house until you have ensured that your makeup is perfect at least 10 times' or 'you must prepare home cooked meals for your children every single day, or else you're a bad parent'...literally any rule that you have. Seriously imagine saying that to someone you love and just how horrible it would be! I know if I told my best friend that she couldn't go out because she doesn't deserve to after eating a pitta bread for lunch she would laugh or maybe slap me silly at how ridiculous a demand it seemed! We are always harshest towards ourselves, our own biggest enemies and cruelest critics, yet as the age old adage goes, if we treated others the way we treated ourselves, we would have no friends left at all.

Define Its Purpose

Understand the purpose of your rule. Understand why and how it developed to serve you and you can then figure out an alternative kinder rule which may also serve your painful law's purpose. Rules have both benefits and drawbacks. I can see now that my rule helps me to feel safe and secure yet also continues to trap me tightly within the confines of illness. When I follow this certain rule, I feel less anxious about consuming alcohol and less worried about my body image. For some reason, I see such a routine as a way of keeping me safe from the thoughts and fears of feeling fat, ugly, horrible and like a bad person. The rule manifested simply to protect me from pain. However, this standard brings a lot of heartache too. This law abhors all and any spontaneity, lack of control and freedom. This precedent rules out any space for flexibility and normal living. It also creates extreme distress and heartache if it was even slightly altered. What are the advantages and disadvantages of your rule? What is its value and purpose in your life? Does this rule allow you flexibility or is it very black or white? Does this rule make you happy (that is the true you happy and not your fear ridden self)?

Seek Alternatives

On discovering the purpose of your negative rule it is now time to investigate whether there is something that can serve you in the same way yet through a much kinder, compassionate and healthier approach. I found on that very Monday night, that ringing my mom and being distracted by my friends helped me with the thoughts of self loathing and horrible body image. Reaching out for help and support served me just as well as the four crackers would have except the only difference is that one is dangerous, restrictive and traps me further in an illness while the other only strengthens bonds, communications and boosts trusting love. Perhaps an alternative to your rule could be to get out into nature, to read a book, to call a friend, to write a letter...anything that helps give you that sense of fulfilment yet also helps to tolerate the anxiety of opposing your own enslaved desires. Looking back now of course it seems more rational to reach out for help than to follow a strict ritual, yet, of course if it was that simple nobody would ever suffer from there own mind tricks! Reaching out and asking for support takes courage, bravery and vulnerability which in this day and age can seem even more terrifying than being a slave to your own mind. Try an alternative to your rule, I promise you it just might work.

What If?

What is the worst that could happen if you disregard your rule and live outside its boundaries? According to this specific rule, I believed that if I ate something other than crackers for lunch then my hips, thighs, tummy and arms would balloon out before a night out, I would appear obese in every and any photograph, everyone would be laughing and staring at me, I would become hated by everyone, I would be too ugly to be able to ever attract a boy, I would end up isolated forever, I would die alone. Ok of course the first thought is not 'pitta=dying alone' but you can see the spiralling decline into doom lol! When you look deeper into every fear, rule and coping mechanism, you will begin to discover that the thing you are afraid of is not truly what you are afraid of. As humans, our only true fear is death, yet our modern brain has adapted to associate and link certain perceived threats to death, and so, smaller perhaps insignificant things can now trap you in your own prison of fear. The true me isn't scared of a pitta bread but I have subconsciously grown to believe that if I eat a pitta bread and go out that same night, I will die alone (this is not the instant thought reaction, but when you follow through with each of your thoughts, you may often find that there is an underlying greater central controlling fear). When you take a step back from 'pitta=dying alone' you can understand how ridiculous and funny it is, yet, one must first break it down and follow the thought's path to understand why a pitta bread creates so much fear, anxiety and terror. Try choosing a rule you have and journaling out all of the 'what ifs' and consequences. Follow through with each thought and hopefully you will see that the law which protected you from pain is perhaps shielding a much greater deeper hurt and fear within yourself of which is being masked by your very own version of a pitta bread heheh.

Test Yo' Self

If you never try you'll never know. This is the scary part, the 'feel the far and do it anyway' part, the part where you have to be really brave, really strong and really resilient. Break your rule. Eat your pitta bread heheh. Maybe if you believe the earlier mentioned rule, that you must make your children home cooked meals every day or else you are a bad parent, you could go straight to McDonalds and treat your children to a burger and chips. When you roll down the window and speak to the server, your voice will be shaking. When you pay the cashier the money, your hands will be quivering. When you see your children squeal in delight over a curly fry, your mind will be screaming 'you are a bad bad bad parent, if you were any good you would be slaving over the oven right now, you clearly don't truly care for your children, you are bad bad bad'. It's going to be hard and you are going to have to sit through and tolerate that anxiety...but the sparkle of sunshine is that that anxiety will dissipate. You will survive your rebellion and you will live to see that all of your worst fears and 'what ifs' in fact did not come true. The following day I asked myself if any of my feared 'will definitely happen' consequences came true. Did I die alone? Nope. Did my friends hate me? Nope. Did I become obese? I hope not! Did I have a horrible night? Absolutely not! Only through testing and defying your rules can you further discover if they hold any truths or necessity in your life. Furthermore, when you break it once, you will find that it becomes automatically easier to break it a second time. Through continued exposure and testing of your boundaries, you will realise that there was no need to have been so strict and restraining towards yourself for so long!

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lots of love & peace & happiness


Lauren x

My Productivity Hacks

Hello everyone! It's been a long long time since I have written, I decided to take a break from writing this summer due to lots of changes and things happening but I am really hoping to get back into it properly again once I develop a new routine at college. Last week was my first week at university, it's so fun, terrifying, exciting and daunting...I could write about all of the emotions, fears and thoughts forever but perhaps I'll save it all for another day heheh! For now I am just trying my best to take it moment by moment and to believe that the universe is minding me and that everything is happening for a reason!

This week's post is the beginning of a two-part series all about how to set good habits and intentions for the new school/college/work year. In the final part I will write about specific studying methods and learning tricks. I am absolutely no expert on productivity or studying but I hope that maybe some of the things that worked for me may also help you! I hope you remember that no matter what, you are not defined by your work, productivity and stress levels. You are whole and enough in all that you are and your worth could never ever be measured by your achievements or results. The definition of success is extremely different and unique to every person reading this, it is both ambiguous and personal. I hope this post may help you on your own personal journey towards success, whether that be to simply make someone smile or to become the president! 

Organisation Is Key

Being organised can come very natural for some, while for others it may be an extreme struggle. Perhaps you find yourself at the beginning of September, motivated and excited with your new pens and colour co-ordinated folders yet two weeks later everything becomes a muddled mess. I have always liked to be extremely organised and in control so I am lucky in certain ways but I think it is a habit that is really important for achieving your goals, especially if you are in an exam year. Being organised doesn't mean you have to have every single thing perfect and of course you can never be prepared for the unknown but it definitely helps a lot. To help keep you organised I would recommend keeping a journal in which you write down all work and study due. Dedicate a space to remind yourself of any upcoming tests or work that needs to be handed up. Create some sort of organisation system that works for you and your work...whether it be a folder for each subject or a cue card for each topic. At the beginning of every week I would write down certain things that I wanted to have revised or accomplished by the following Monday in a separate little notebook and would then assign those things to certain days of the week! Therefor sitting down each evening to my homework and study I could also clearly see what I had preplanned out to revise for that day. (I am thinking of writing a specific 'How To Organise Your Life' blogpost, comment here if you would like to read that and of course anything else!).

Mental hospital taught me the true meaning of power. While the process of any form of treatment is the slow regaining of your true power and not that of your addiction or illness, in the beginning of treatment I felt so incredibly powerless. Nothing strips you of your human dignity more than being told that you aren't allowed to walk or that you have to put more than a milligram of porridge on your spoon at a time. The pain and shame that came with having a nurse hold your hand as you cried over more blood tests and the humiliation and confusion that came with having a flashlight pointed at you every half hour to check you are sleeping, is both degrading and humbling. Such moments of intense helplessness and a screaming suppressed ego helped me to analyse my true definition of power and dignity. I felt like a puppet, my strings controlled by psychiatrists, nurses and doctors. On reflection I can see that it was exactly what had to, and in some aspects still needs to, occur in my life. I now believe that true power is being able to control ones thoughts, emotions and actions. I believed I lost every ounce of power when I first began treatment, however I can realise now that I lost my true power a long long time before that; the very moment mental illness infested my mind. In order to learn how to gain true power, I believe we must start from scratch. Like a weed, in order to cleanse the soil, sometimes you have to dig up the whole garden, including the beautiful flowers. I used to believe that power was going three days without food and running until you collapsed. However, my true self also valued that power was freedom, self expression and choice. Yet, just like the weed, in order to cleanse the soul, sometimes you have to strip away all of your power including your core beliefs in order to rebuild your true healthy self. I am still understanding that true power is perhaps being able to admit that you feel powerless within certain aspects of your life. True power is opening up about your suffering and reaching out for help. 'The ultimate human freedom; the power to choose, to respond, to change'.

Kindness Is Everything

Mental hospital taught me that there is no greater connector and soul bearer than pain. 'If I tell these private thoughts of mine, it is because I know they are not mine alone, and that practically everyone is trying to say the same things and that the writer is only a man who says out loud what other people think or whisper.' Sitting down for dinner with the six other patients on the eating disorder ward taught me how pain transcends all genders, ages, ethnicities and people. We all had different stories, different backgrounds, different lives yet one thing connected each and every one of us; we were each in turmoil, we all used food and our bodies as a way of escaping our inner pain and we were all fighting really really hard. I now believe that suffering supersedes all outward projections and inner beliefs. When I found myself being held by a lady 30 years older than me as I cried because the nurse had poured my milk just slightly above the required line, I finally felt understood and accepted. She understood the thoughts, the pain and the irrationality of the eating disordered voices; she had the exact same monster in her mind telling her the exact same things. We were so different yet so exactly the same. We would later spend the next five months being each other's daily cheerleaders as we came across challenges like a horrific St Patrick's day dessert that only we will ever understand and still giggle about to this day heheh...(long story including screaming at nurses and disgusting green (?!?) cream). I learned that pain strips back all outer facades and reveals the true vulnerable, scared yet sacred soul beneath. Whether you are rich or poor, black or white, young or old...we all have pain and we all endure suffering. How refreshing and reassuring to know that you are not alone.

Vulnerability Is Courage

Mental hospital taught me that you have to open your hands if you want to be held. We all just want to feel connection, acceptance and love but how can we let someone touch our heart if we have built up impermeable walls around it? Vulnerability is terrifying, allowing ourselves to be seen as our true messy and unique selves is scary. Even finding the willingness to say 'I love you' first without any guarantee of a return is terrifying, however, such vulnerability is the only key that unlocks the gate to pure love and heavenly happiness. 'What happens when we open our hearts? We get better.'

Mental Monsters

Mental hospital taught me that mental monsters are real. Perhaps the greatest crux of all mental illness' is the resolute belief in the sufferer that there is no illness at all, that we are all perfectly ok. I don't think I ever believed I would write this but...I escaped from a mental hospital heheh. It sounds like something you would see on an advert for a horror movie...it's true but not as dramatic as it sounds I promise! This incident helped me to somewhat understand and believe the seriousness of this illness. During my second admission I wasn't allowed to leave the ward without a wheelchair in the beginning. On my second night I felt so guilty, I needed to walk, I had to burn calories and so I ran for the hills. I bundled up in layers of jackets, covered my face and sneaked past the nursing station. I crept through the winding corridors and ran out the gates into the freezing February evening. I kept going and going until my rational mind decided to finally kick in and I realised just how much trouble I was going to get myself into as well as the risk I was putting my body at. This moment helped awaken me to the sheer power and threat of the monsters in our minds! The illness didn't care that my biggest values in life are kindness and honesty; it made me hide crusts up my sleeves, scrape custard under my nails and scream at poor dieticians who were only trying to help me. Mental hospital proved to teach me that mental monsters are not quirks or ways of being; they are infectious vicious weeds that will poison and contaminate each and every part of you, willing to do anything to survive and hold you under their thumb.

Simple Is Sweet

Mental hospital taught me how to truly love and appreciate the simple things in life. No gift, holiday or amount of money could measure up to the joy of waiting by the window and finally seeing your parents driving in the hospital gates on a Friday night or a message from a friend asking how you are doing or feeling the wind brushing through your hair after not being allowed to leave your ward for so long or snuggling up in bed reading your favourite book or watching the cherry trees coming into full bloom in Spring. I learned that these are the true jewels in life. There is beauty in simplicity. Today please try to appreciate the small treasures that surround you. 'The earth has music for those who listen'.

You Are Transforming

Mental hospital taught me that to suffer is to grow, to unfold, to bloom. 'Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a beautiful butterfly'. When you alter your perspective, suffering can be viewed as a beautiful transformation, a form of metamorphism. I learned more about myself as a human being during my time in hospital than I have ever at any time before. I learned that I can be strong, I can endure pain and I can survive a lot more than I ever thought; and so can you, it's our fearful minds that make us believe we can not! 'Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.'

It's Up To You

Mental hospital taught me that nobody can save you from your pain, it's up to you. I learned this after being discharged from the adolescent ward; my favourite nurse held my hand as she said she was sorry for not being able to help me enough. She could see through the facades of fake happiness and knew I was falling hard and fast down the dark hole of relapse weeks before I had even left. Six months later when I met her on the corridors of the adult hospital she hugged me and kissed words upon my soul that were simultaneously earth shattering and liberating; 'You didn't choose to get this illness, but unfortunately and also fortunately Lauren, you are the only person who can choose to fight it and get better...it is all ultimately up to you'.