21 Lessons in 21 Years

1. You may never feel enough. Throughout your whole life, you have trained yourself to believe that if you can just do this or just wear that or just look like them; you will finally feel worthy of this life. As long as you hold yourself up to your own self inflicted rules and all too high standards of which are impossible to attain; you will never be happy. It's scary to allow yourself to just be...to open your heart and to listen to the drum of its faint yet unchanged melody and to hear that this is who you are. You can either take yourself or you can try to leave yourself. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. You can't leave yourself. This is you and the longer you try to deny that soul or change its very intrinsic being; the more you will suffer. And perhaps you may think like me, 'well I deserve to suffer if I must inflict this world with my presence'...dig deep enough within your heart and you will realise the truth, that that thought is the very core belief of not enough-ness within itself. You have to endure yourself. You have to live and love and accept all that you are...because who that is, really is pretty amazing.

2. You can not hate yourself into a version you will finally love. Self love begins with shining the light on your deepest darkest shadows and allowing them be seen, heard, felt and finally transmuted into sparkling shimmers of love. 

3. This too shall pass. Each dark dusk must end with a beautiful new beginning of light. No darkness will last for ever and neither will any pain. Sometimes it can all become so overwhelming...a simple moment becomes so consuming, so large and terrifying. In that moment, it encompasses your whole being and suddenly life itself seems so dark, inescapable and frightening. This is just a moment. This is not your life. This pain is nothing but storm clouds rumbling through the sky...soon to be replaced with beams of warm bright brilliance. I know the deafening thoughts are ringing through your ears, the flashes of fear are blinding you of seeing any good and the floods of tears are pulling you under; but just you hold on. Keep swimming. You will not drown for you have a lifebuoy just waiting for you to grab; hope.

4. You always have a choice.

5. Pain is the greatest connector. Psychiatric hospital taught me that there is no greater connector and soul bearer than pain. 'If I tell these private thoughts of mine, it is because I know they are not mine alone, and that practically everyone is trying to say the same things and that the writer is only a man who says out loud what other people think or whisper.' Sitting down for dinner with the six other patients on the eating disorder ward taught me how pain transcends all genders, ages, ethnicities and people. We all had different stories, different backgrounds, different lives yet one thing connected each and every one of us; we were each in turmoil, we all used food and our bodies as a way of escaping our inner pain and we were all fighting really really hard. I now believe that suffering supersedes all outward projections and inner beliefs. When I found myself being held by a lady 30 years older than me as I cried because the nurse had poured my milk just slightly above the required line, I finally felt understood and accepted. She understood the thoughts, the pain and the irrationality of the eating disordered voices; she had the exact same monster in her mind telling her the exact same things. We were so different yet so exactly the same. We would later spend the next five months being each other's daily cheerleaders as we came across challenges like a horrific St Patrick's day dessert that only we will ever understand and still giggle about to this day heheh...(long story including screaming at nurses and disgusting green (?!?) cream). I learned that pain strips back all outer facades and reveals the true vulnerable, scared yet sacred soul beneath. Whether you are rich or poor, black or white, young or old...we all have pain and we all endure suffering. How refreshing and reassuring to know that you are not alone.

6. As long as you hold fear, you will never be free. Where there is fear, lies opportunity. For fear is a beacon from your heart, pulsing with passion, waiting for you to grab its hand and run together in the direction of freedom, a path carved by your innate desire to be free. Fear is the greatest unrest within our souls. For how can we feel fully alive when there is a self inflicted restriction within us? As long as we hold fear, we will never be free. Only in facing our fears can we allow our toes to dip into a limitless world, one in which nothing can hold us back, because finally, we are not holding ourselves back.

7. Our thoughts are not always true, our feelings are not always real and our perception is not always clear.

8. You are your own biggest critic. If you spoke to others the way you speak to yourself, you would have no friends left at all. People don't see you the way you see yourself, both internally and externally. I am too busy worrying what you are thinking of me and you are too busy worrying what I am thinking of you. In reality, neither of us are thinking of another, just of what each other is thinking of each other...mouthful hehe. My best friend said something to me recently and it really really stuck with me. I was feeling upset about how I looked before we went out and she said 'Lauren you have looked at yourself in the mirror  for the past 21 years. You have inspected and analysed every single inch of your skin and crevice of your body. You can account for each and every of your own perceived flaws but will omit any possible beauty. You have taken these pieces and created a vision of yourself of which only hold. When someone looks at you, they don't see the you that you have torn apart, investigated and scrutinised for all those years..they see you with raw wide open eyes. They don't see you as dismembered pieces of flaws and failings but as one whole, unique and perfect person. They see you for the you that we all see and love and that hopefully someday, you will see too.'

9. There is no perfection, only beautiful versions of brokenness. 

10. Be love. 'The person in life that you will always be with the most, is yourself. Because even when you are with others, you are still with yourself, too! When you wake up in the morning, you are with yourself, laying in bed at night you are with yourself, walking down the street in the sunlight you are with yourself. What kind of person do you want to walk down the street with? What kind of person do you want to wake up in the morning with? What kind of person do you want to see at the end of the day before you fall asleep? Because that person is yourself, and it's your responsibility to be that person you want to be with. I know I want to spend my life with a person who knows how to let things go, who's not full of hate, who's able to smile and be carefree. So that's who I have to be. I have to be love.' (This quote just says it all perfectly).

11. You are a mirror. Like a different language, in order for you to communicate with anyone, you must have first learned the art of speaking with a new tongue. Similarly, in order for you to see the beauty in others, you must have first embodied that same beauty yourself. The good you find in others, is in you too. The faults you find in others, are your faults as well. After all, to recognise something you must know it. The possibilities you see in others, are possible for you as well. The beauty you see around you, is your beauty. The world around you is a reflection, a mirror showing you the person you are. (I have written more about this topic in my post You Are A Mirror).

12. Everything happens for a reason.

13. It's ok to be both. You are allowed to have whatever proportion of characteristics within yourself as you feel to be true. As humans, we may appear as a paradox of opposing beliefs, but that is the beauty of humanity, we are messy creatures. The different sides of us are not mutually exclusive but are rather intertwined as one to create the uniquely stunning people that we are. Like yin and yang, we are entities that need balance. We need both the peace in the wild and the wild within the peace. Allowing yourself to find a balance between the perhaps contradictory states within you rather than tip-toeing on a tightrope is what will help you find contentment and comfort in who you are rather than trying to fit into a specific idealised standard of who you believe you should be. 

14. You don't have to be pretty like her, you can be pretty like you. Just because she is pretty, that doesn't make your own beauty absent. Fairy lights are beautiful but so are feathers, yet their beauty is completely unique and different, they can not be compared; nor can you.

15. Change is the only constant. 

16. Kindness is the universal language of the world. 'Kindness what a simple way to tell another struggling soul that there is love to be found in this world'. A specific memory of true kindness and love will forever and ever be with me. One evening I felt so upset and I rang my mom crying. I was two hundred miles from home, tormented by my thoughts, lonely, hopeless and truly felt no longer able to continue to fight; all I wanted was for someone to take me away from all of the pain and fear. A stranger appeared like a guardian angel, she squeezed my hand and held a tissue to my eyes and then disappeared. I have tears in my eyes just thinking of this moment, it may sound like a small gesture but her kindness and compassion saved me that night. She was suffering too, she was a patient with all of her own issues, scars and battles yet in that moment she chose to remind me of our common humanity, our united suffering. I wish I could tell this woman how much her care meant to and still means to me. Thank you.

17. Everyone has a story. When you try to understand people and view their behaviour and actions through the eyes of love and compassion, you can then not only tolerate but forgive and send love to even the greatest of evils. Everyone has a story. Everyone has pain. We all do what we can to survive. Perhaps what one may do to get by in life may cause horrific pain, agony and suffering. While such hatred is horrible, when we transform that person who his tearing us apart into someone who is to be pitied and dealt with compassionately we can allow in peace and serenity to move on with our lives, to let go, forgive or focus on the beautiful positive people, things and memories we have and are yet to experience (I wrote a lot about this topic in my previous blogpost The Secret That Changed My Life).

18. The fear of suffering is often worse than the suffering itself.

19. To be vulnerable is to be brave, powerful, courageous. You have to open your hands if you want to be held. We all just want to feel connection, acceptance and love but how can we let someone touch our heart if we have built up impermeable walls around it? Vulnerability is terrifying, allowing ourselves to be seen as our true messy and unique selves is scary. Even finding the willingness to say 'I love you' first without any guarantee of a return is terrifying, however, such vulnerability is the only key that unlocks the gate to pure love and heavenly happiness. 'What happens when we open our hearts? We get better.'

20. Nobody can save you but yourself. It's up to you. I learned this after being discharged from my first admission; my favourite nurse held my hand as she said she was sorry for not being able to help me enough. She could see through the facades of fake happiness and knew I was falling hard and fast down the dark hole of relapse weeks before I had even left. Six months later when I met her on the corridors of the adult hospital she hugged me and kissed words upon my soul that were simultaneously earth shattering and liberating; 'You didn't choose to get this illness, but unfortunately and also fortunately Lauren, you are the only person who can choose to fight it and get better...it is all ultimately up to you'. 

21. We are all on our own journey. There are no set rules for life; no direct route, no perfect path, no clear map...just our inner compass gently guiding us in the direction of our highest good. We may find ourselves on the road less travelled, in the middle of a large open meadow. We could become immensely overwhelmed at the sight of the towering trees, the cacophony of the screeching crows and the smell of the wild evergreen. We could cry with fear over how scared we are, scream in anger at the world for placing us here and faint at the thought of all the different stony routes out of this clearing. Alternatively, we could pick up the budding yellow rose next to us and smile at its intricate beauty, laugh with the rhythm of the sweet sounding swallows and gaze in awe at the infinite, deep blue sky. The choice is ours, it’s just a matter of perspective. We may feel lost, scared and confused at our own life situations but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing, in fact this feeling could be the very thing that will set you and I, both, free.

Think of Yourself Less 

'Love only grows by sharing. You can only have more for yourself by giving it away to others'. While I am trying so hard to understand that one can not pour from an empty cup, I have always believed in and dreamed of helping and giving to others. I was recently watching a Yes Theory video with the Dalai Lama and his response to their question initially really upset me until I realised that the only reason it hurt was because it was true. It confronted my mind's attachment to its own suffering. One of my worst nightmares is to be viewed as or become a selfish person, however, mental anguish and, according to him even some mental illnesses, can be seen as an adapted extension of self-centredness. Even trying to explain this I feel upset because it makes me feel so so guilty. As someone who is recovering from mental illness and who has taken years to allow in the possibility that it's presence is not my fault, I find this learning throws me further into self hatred and disgust, but I don't think that that is what the Dalai Lama intends for people to feel either. I think his message meant that at times, as humans, we can become so wrapped up in our own little worlds that we forget about the one that is coexisting all around us. Such self-absorption can conceal the truth of reality and often our own thoughts and feelings become our basis of existence. What does your thinking look like? I don't think of you as much as you think of you, and you don't think of me as much as I think of me; the paradox is that I think of me so much because I worry about what you think of me and you think of you so much because you worry about what I think of you...yet we aren't really thinking of one another at all. We often only ever think about another when we are thinking about what another is thinking about us...I don't think my mind even understands that sentence hehehe. It is self centred, we are not thinking of the world, we are thinking of our world. We are thinking of a world which we have created in our mind that revolves around us; our core beliefs, our ingrained values and our inherent system of thinking. I think the Dalai Lama's teaching hurts so much because as human beings, it is in our intrinsic nature to think of ourselves. We are born alone and we die alone and so of course we view the world through our own perceptive spectacles. However, over the last few decades and centuries, the quality of the frames in which we view ourselves have dwindled, and thus we don't just think of ourselves...we hate, berate, attack and abhor ourselves. Such a grand statement, that our thinking has become self-centred and is the root of unhappiness, pain and even mental illness is perhaps so obscene only because it may be true. I don't think it is fair or accurate to say that mental illness is wholly self-centred. I am still learning and trying to accept the possibility that my own harmful thoughts are not selfish or self-centred but perhaps the instilled beliefs of which create such thoughts stem from a self-centred focus. I really don't know if any of this has made any sense ahhhh I don't think it makes sense to me but in my heart it does a little! Aside from the deep philosophical aspects of altruism and selflessness, giving to others also just makes you feel really happy, warm and fuzzy (you may like my previous post 'The Gift of Giving'). As we grow older most people do prefer to give rather than receive because knowing that you are responsible for another's smile is often a million billion trillion times more magical than being a receiver. I was doing some research on this and I just learned that a study has concluded a very high correlation between early death and a disproportionately high use of personal pronouns (me, myself, I)...if that isn't a reason to be more selfless I don't know what is!

Choose Your Thoughts

'We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves'. Our words are powerful magnetic beings of energy. Perhaps the two most powerful words in the universe are 'I am', because what follows, becomes. Our words have the ability to plant gardens but equally contain the potency to burn forests down. What we think, we become. What we affirm, we attract. It all sounds a bit metaphysical and allusive but whenever I start to doubt the power of my own voice and the sounds it emanates, I consider the influence of one single word; 'love'. As beings we are all really just craving and hoping for one thing; love. While love comes in different forms and doesn't always have to be verbal to be expressed, how many lives have been blessed, altered and benefited from the 3 syllables and 8 letters of 'I love you'. Isn't that powerful?! What's even more magical, is that each and every word which leaves our lips holds a vibrational energy. We understand the language of our tongues and so when we speak words of compassion and grace we emit a high positive frequency, but, when we speak words of bitterness and anger, we emit a low negative frequency. (I am trying to get into daily affirmations and the power of words more. I can't wait to write about my results and the power of the words in which I choose). A universal example which may help to understand: have you ever been at a party or about to go out with friends and you feel tired and fed up? You don't want to get ready, you don't feel excited to have fun, you just want to sit in front of the fire and watch Netflix like every single other night. But then, you get a phone call from your best friend and they completely change your mind frame. They tell you 'tonight is going to be amazing, we are going to have so much fun, you deserve to go out and have fun, you are beautiful and young and you only live once'. Suddenly that sense of dread morphs into pure glee. You play your favourite happy music and within the space of 60 seconds, your reality has altered from a negative to a positive state! It takes time and practice and a lot of trust to really implement this. Reading about quantum physics and learning of scientific experiments really allows my mind to trust this truth. I love watching videos on the rice experiment...soooo amazing!! Ok I've gotten so excited since writing these words and have convinced myself to do my own little rice experiment, create my own affirmation cards (perhaps I can create a deck of cards that I could share with you) and dive deeper into the magical power of our words!

Be Here Now

Be thankful for this moment, this moment is your life. This moment is all we have. I know it's such cliche to 'live in the moment' but it is true. As a recovering worrier, over thinker and perfectionistic planner (heheh genuinely think those should be things we should all try to be actively recovering from), living in the essence of each fleeting moment can be new and at times even scary. But as a beautiful angel told me recently; fear, nervousness and anxiety are all just feelings, tied together by a core thread of excitement. Each moment, being and thing is neutral, but the way in which we perceive it defines whether we experience it as positive or negative. For example, do you ever just look at something (for me it always seems to be when I look at trees) and see this object's meaning completely transform within your mind. It suddenly looses all pre-instilled objective meaning and it becomes so new, so raw, so complete and beautiful. The tree is no longer just a tree but it is suddenly an extension of yourself; a being of life with its own intricate soul. Or for example do you ever repeat a word so many times that it looses all context? Suddenly it no longer represents anything but a random collection of sounds from within. I am recently trying to apply this way of perception to every day little moments. Is it really that bad that it is raining or is it just because I have trained my perceptive mind to view it as a symbol of pain? Is my reflection in the mirror really so revolting or do I perceive that just because it is a pattern of thoughts that feel so real because I have trained my mind to believe that they are real. So many teachers say, 'change your thoughts and you will change your experienced reality' and that teaching is becoming more and more apparent everyday. If both psychiatrists, quantum physicists and spiritual healers are telling us to change the way we look at things and the things we look at will change..then it has to be true. Each moment is constant but the way in which we view it is fluid. That malleability itself is the very power that influences the stream of following moments which in whole create this very life. If you look in the mirror and cry at your reflection; the moments following that will be horrible...influenced by your own decision to believe something as negative. But, if you look in the mirror and smile at your beauty and inherent worth; the moments following that will be beautiful. Of course this can be so really tricky. How does one continue to smile upon hearing the news of a tragedy? How does one rejoice in the beauty of this world when they have just lost their home? How does one delight over their body when they can physically see it with their own two eyes as something to hate? Suffering, sadness and pain are inevitable but I think the importance of this teaching is learning that while we can and should embrace every moment and emotion, we should try our best to not allow our minds to attach to any agony. To feel, embrace and release. 

Rewrite Your Script

'If your mind carries a heavy burden of past, you will experience more of the same. The past perpetuates itself through lack of presence. The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future'. In continuation of the last point, when we attach to the perceived pain of a moment, we can unfortunately subconsciously give that pain the space to grow; like a weed. If we allow the pain of one moment to manifest and transmute into every following moment, we carry a pain that eventually becomes meaningless. Suddenly years later, we realise that we are still holding the pain from a moment that occurred when we were young. That very pain becomes a filter of which we view our reality; thus creating more negative perceptions, and as a result more pain. It becomes the script of which we play out our life and anything that does not coincide with that script is either rejected our altered to align with our own truths...not the truth. Perhaps you may know someone who constantly seems to end up with draining or manipulating partners? This person may have an unknown internal script that they don't deserve love, perhaps something as small yet mighty as being rejected from a hug as a child created this belief system, and thus this person may continue to subconsciously attract horrible painful relationships and deny themselves of true happiness and love. Of course it is never obvious on a surface level but deep down when we dig, we can often realise that there is an underlying crux of held heartache. It's a vicious cycle that we all can and hopefully will evade through mindfulness, forgiveness, self compassion and love. I remember talking with someone once and I told them about something, which looking back now is so minor, from my past. I cried and cried and cried, over ten years later I still held so much pain from that moment and unknowingly, that moment had impacted on my belief system and infected the way in which I perceived my reality. Through recognising the attachment to that pain it became easier to understand why I have certain thoughts and beliefs..traced back to a single moment years ago! Is there any moment you can think of of which you still carry the emotions? Could you forgive the person/yourself, have compassion for your past self and notice how it impacts on your current life viewpoint? Then, can you let it go? It may take time to let such wounds fully heal, especially if they are deeply engrained, but I believe that even just cultivating attention and awareness is so truly powerful in itself. If you would like to learn more about this, I can not recommend 'The Power of Now' by Eckart Tolle enough..it is truly a life changing book! If you are unable to access it or perhaps don't like reading, he also has some amazing podcasts in which he also explains his teachings and outlooks!

This Too Shall Pass

Suffering is inevitable. Life is beautiful but it is also hard and then it is beautiful again and then it is hard. Life is in constant flow, a constant without any constancy hehe! No pain lasts forever and nor does any bliss, but in that realisation itself, we can find peace and joy. It is hard to remind yourself and trust that this pain is temporary. Some dark tunnels seem so deep and never-ending but I fell in love with this quote the first time I heard it and I think this alone can offer so much hope, 'the pain you have been feeling can not be compared to the joy that is coming'. I love to think of life as a heart monitor thing (so sorry I have no idea what this is actually called). Our hearts, the very essence of life itself, go up and down up and down...it's the natural flow of life. If we can remember that in times of pain and rejoice in it with gratitude in times of joy, life can become just so sweet.

A Moment of Light

'She realised she had this one. This big, bold and beautiful life. And she realized she didn’t want to live it chasing and crying and apologizing. Starving and fearing and regretting. She realized she wanted to live it proudly and freely and creatively. Lovingly and fully and sweetly. She realised she could choose. And so, she chose.'

It's been a while, a long while and I'm sorry. To be honest I became really scared of writing and sharing. I became terrified of sharing my truth, frightened to lay bare my vulnerabilities and afraid of what you, reading this right now, may think or do! It's so silly but in a way I became most afraid of what could happen..what someone could say, what someone could think and what someone could do but living in fear is no way to live and if I want to share my truth and inspire others than I have to embrace those fears and accept that they aren't going to just leave. The greatest reason though, and something different that I have grown to become really quite afraid of, of which my family and loved ones warned me about from day one, is of others who are struggling with their own pain and heartaches, asking for my support and guidance. I really want to help every aching soul on this earth, I would do anything to try my best to save and solder together your broken pieces but a few months ago it became a little overwhelming. 'Stop carrying other peoples monkeys on your back, it's not your job to save everyone', my loved ones often say, and so, I have taken a long break from writing. I wish that I could help you, heal your heart and mend your aching heart if you are struggling with pain right now, but I can not do that. I am just a young girl trying to find her way through her own sense of anguish while trying my best to enlighten and inspire you to perhaps work on navigating your own. It sounds so selfish and heartless, I'm so sorry. I pray and hope you find the inner strength and courage to reach out to a loved one, professional or someone who is themselves mentally strong enough and capable to help you...I am sorry that I am not that person but hopefully someday, when I am fully free, I can help you too.

Have you ever had a moment of clarity when everything seemed to fall into place? When everything suddenly made sense? When the lightbulb flickered and it all just clicked? When I began my recovery journey, I searched endlessly for the switch that would ignite the light in my darkness. I tried everything and anything to feed the insatiable search for a catalyst in my recovery. I teetered on the edge of the schism between life and death, recovery and illness, hoping that my hopes, supports, medications, treatments, loved ones and diminishing inner courage would eventually compile to bridge the gap; finally tempting me to step a shaking foot across. It never happened. You see I have always always wanted to get better. From the moment I first started throwing my little 4th class packed lunch away, I wanted to not have it to be this way. Even when I screamed that I would jump in front of car if an extra pea was placed on my plate, even when a lady found me collapsed on the side of the road from walking on empty, even when I let this illness pull me out of college...I wanted to get better; I just didn't know how. I know you may think, 'just eat, rest and gain weight!!', and I completely understand and agree that that is a major major aspect of recovery but I've tried that in my first admission...and it didn't work. I still felt the same ache in my soul and the same throbbing in my heart of which the only way I ever knew how to quieten, was through starvation. I've always believed I am bad. Not the kind of bad that commits crimes or intentionally hurts others...but the kind of bad that runs deep within my bones and seeps into every crevice of my being. An innate inherent evil, so horrific that I believed for so so so long that the only way I should be allowed to live, is with as little impact as possible. I began to question every breath my lungs sucked in, every word my lips allowed leave, and of course, every bite my mouth met...it was all too much. I was too loud, too lazy, too arrogant, too unkind, too selfish, too uncaring, too rude, too bossy, too ignorant...I was too much yet paradoxically never ever enough. I thought that if I gave and gave and gave...if I never took from this world, became perfect in my behaviour, impeccable in my thoughts, pure in my being; I would finally grant myself a permission slip to stay alive. An oxymoron that led to the further grip of anorexia onto my mind, body and soul. No matter how many months I spent in hospital, no matter how many therapists I saw, no matter how many self help books I read; nothing majorly substantial ever occurred in my recovery because while I always have wanted to get better, the desire to shrink, to take up less space, to never be the cause of any harm; always hid the how to get better. 

However, one day, with the saving grace of the universe or a higher entity of which I will be forever grateful, a beam of light appeared, the lightbulb twinkled ever so slightly and a glimmer of flickering hope began to glisten into my life. Like all magical fairytales, this began on the ruins of an old castle on a beautiful September's day. My cousin was getting married and I was surrounded by the unconditional love of dear ones and raptured by the differing beauty of strangers. Of course, the eating disorder was omnipresent, with every moment experienced through Anorexia's dark distortions. All that mattered to me that day was ensuring I survived the event, eating as little as possible while appearing completely normal and ok. It's funny how things can happen. How in one moment you can be encapsulated by something so evil only to be whisked away by a wave of love seconds later. When the bride and groom's first dance came on, I couldn't help but be consumed with the unequivocal power of unconditional, everlasting, unrestricted, limitless love. In that moment nothing else mattered to these two souls, to each other, they were and are perfect, whole and deserving. In that moment, the size of their hips nor the greatest of their self perceived failings were significant. In that moment, I realised, love was, and always has been, the answer. I thought I could hate myself into getting better. Just as I thought I could starve away the pain, run away the resentment and perfect away the loneliness; I thought I could crawl out of this illness while still maintaining the same internal bond. I had, of course, heard it over and over, 'in order to recover you have to be more compassionate towards yourself, you must develop a sense of self kindness, you need to stop being so hard on yourself'...but my stubborn desire for being anything less than perfect, was too powerful to ever imagine a moment of mindful softness. I didn't and still don't want to entertain the thought of coming to terms with who I am. To not only accept my authentic true self but to also contemplate that perhaps my personal greatest flaws are and were, never my own to begin with...but just another deceiving lie the eating disorder has trained me, and every other sufferer, to believe so it can further keep us under its wrath. I have come to realise, that even though I abhor the idea of not punishing and hating my mind and body, I have to come to terms with the fact that if I ever ever want to recover, I have to teeter into a world of possibilities, one in which I am not innately bad. I have to consider that I may too be worthy of love. That I may too be worthy of taking up space on this earth. That I may too be worthy of a life lived free of self imposed rules for simply existing. I don't believe any of these, yet, but rewiring a life long way of thinking and believing takes time, and, instead of grasping to subsist in the raven of a black and white world, I am trying to see the softer greys, I am working so hard to hopefully someday dream and dance in dazzling colour. I am beginning to finally allow this softness in and it feels all so terrifyingly scary yet at once beautifully magical. 

The day after, I wrote this, and I have remained committed, while at times extremely and impossibly hard, since.

'Today, marks the beginning of my new life. Today I discharged myself from my psychiatrist, dietician and therapist. I have spent the past eight years in and out of hospital and services, constantly giving my power over to others convincing myself that someone someday will save me, but nobody can, I have to finally really be brave, let go and save myself. I know deep down I have the power and strength within me to dive in; to actually eat, to rest, to let go. Today is the beginning of embarking on my full real recovery journey. I'm tired of talking about my past, of crying over one extra calorie, of failing and failing at meal plans, of being told my case is hopeless and that I'll never recover. I'm so hungry...for love, for life, for happiness, for freedom and of course for food as terrifying as that is to admit. I'm so sick, weak and tired of you Anorexia. Being with my family this weekend awakened me to how miserable I am, you destroy every moment with your constant screams. Anorexia, you have taken my life; I have left college because of you, hurt my family because of you, destroyed my health because of you, lost myself because of you, but this is the true beginning of me getting my life back and discovering the true Lauren, without you. I am terrified, truly petrified to eat, gain weight, not exercise, rest, be kind to my mind, body and soul but I can no longer let fear dominate my life. I choose to go all in now, this is going to be excruciating but I have to try to believe that there are people who truly love me, no matter what I look like or eat. I will destroy you Ana. I want my life back. I can't do it for myself yet but for now I do it for my loved ones; to stop their pain, to make them proud, to give back the endless love, care and support they relentlessly give to me. I am fully committing to using all my will and strength to oppose every thought and belief you poison my mind with and it's terrifying but I trust in the universe and its plan. I will not get fatter or horrible or fuller of badness. I will regain the life, love, weight and health you have stolen. I am determined this time and luckily I am surrounded by so much love and care and support. I am about to go out for morning tea and a scone with my mom. I haven't done or eaten this in 8 years. I'm shaking as I write this, I'm terrified but my life will be beautiful. If you never try you'll never know, if you never eat you'll never grow!'

'Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal.'

lots of love & peace & happiness



Lauren x

The Heart Whispers

I've been thinking a lot lately and I've been feeling very very scared. Scared of where I am, where I'm going and where I may end up. Change, a trip away, sudden surprises and the re-ignition of mental flames we perhaps thought we had once quenched, can cause us to really reevaluate and question everything. 

I find myself in a gushing stream, no control over the ravaging current while being dragged along with the flow, but, it isn't that bad, it's grand, it's ok...I say to myself. 

Suddenly yet inevitably I hit a whirlpool and in the midst of drowning I breathlessly scream, 'how did I get here?', 'why didn't I do something about this earlier when deep down I knew it wasn't alright?', 'how did I allow this to happen?!'. But then the wind changes, the current calms, the tide turns and I can paddle away from the pain.

However, the whirling water haunts me and its memories reveal nature's previous warning signs of which I ignored; believing that being dragged downstream is a quality existence, that a life dulled by fear and pain is ok because at least I'm not drowning; I'm just about breathing, head above water, somehow floating and perhaps that's all I'll ever deserve...I've learned to accept that perhaps, that is ok.

Such whirlpools shock me into questioning my beliefs and into recognising self-denial until the waves and whirls of memory begin to dissipate and I become accustomed to the terrifying currents once again, regaining the thoughts of 'at least long last, I am getting to experience the sea'. 

Such recent events however, I am trying not to simply swim through. In a way, I want to dissect and hold onto this pain because these feelings are the only times I feel scared enough to not only grab a life buoy but to hopefully get out of the gosh dam water!

The whirlpool I am talking about was a recent trip away with my family. It was magical yet at times I felt so miserable. I don't know how to describe these feelings other than through metaphor. I felt trapped behind a glass bubble, physically there and present, yet, like so very often, never able to fully reach through. On this trip I realised just how much this illness consumes my every moment. The lights were on but there was very much no one upstairs heheh.