The Body Image Battle

Body image; a person's perception of the aesthetics or attractiveness of their own body. It involves how a person sees themselves, compared to the standards that have been set by society. Body image is the perception that a person has of their physical self and the thoughts and feelings that result from that perception. You can read a more in-depth analysis and description of body images (plus lots of tips) here.

Perhaps a simpler everyday question more aptly defines it; 'how do you feel when you look in the mirror?'. I am not an expert in body image, in fact very much the opposite hehe! This is just the rambling for a girl who seriously struggles with her body image and who hopes to help you through the various techniques and tools learned. I understand how lucky I am to have received help and to have had professional treatment from some of the best in our small country and so if anything I learned can be shared and help others, then, I hope and pray I can do that and that it does! I'm not going to lie, the exercises and tools I will be sharing with you did not change my life or in true honesty, impact on my body image for more than a few minutes or hours. However, everybody and every body is different, perhaps these exercises may transform your thoughts or maybe, like me, the may even ease your unease for a few moments..and that's fantastic too! Maybe my thoughts may enlighten or perhaps upset you but I hope by the end of this, that you may leave with something greater than when you came <3

My beautiful sister made me this scrapbook a few years ago. Looking back at it again now fills me with tears. I am so lucky to have her. It makes me emotional also looking at photos of me as a young girl who was happy and free and only cared about how fast her legs could run and not their size.

My Body Image Journey 

My personal body image issues seemed to begin at around the age of 8 when I was making my communion. I don't know why but I felt fat, short and stout. Even looking at pictures of the girl I once was now, I see a chubby little piggy, a lego man; boxy and compressed. Fast forward 12 years later, this is what I still see. It's strange because without a doubt, the degrees of which this image is seen varies daily. When I eat a scary food or before a big event or when I am having a stressful day; I can interpret myself as the Michelin man. When it comes to describing my body, I am the human thesaurus heheheh 'little miss piggy, garden gnome, fat dwarf, big clunky box (like what?!?! how does my mind interpret my body as that lol!!), squashed marshmallow, Toad from Super Mario Bros, chunky mushroom, hippopotamus, Oompa Loompa, munchkin'...the list goes on! (I spent hours combing through my diaries to find each description so I do promise you that those thoughts and feelings are wholly true and real for me). I am giggling away at myself as I read these as to how absurd they may sound to you but its what I see yet more importantly, how I feel. While on other days, I can accept that maybe my vision is a little bit skewed. I find that particularly scary about my own sense of my body. How, without any physical change in appearance, the mental image with which my own eyes perceive can completely transform, petrifies me.

I feel so lucky that I don't have full fledged body dimorphic disorder however, a few years ago after being asked to draw a picture of what I see when I look in the mirror (see below), I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia (or distorted body image) as a direct symptom of anorexia. It's terrifying, not because of what I see, but because I am being told to trust and believe that what I see isn't real. I remember trying to explain it to someone, asking them to describe the colour of the night sky which was sparkling above us. When I told them that their answer was wrong and the sky was not black but in fact a bright neon yellow, they laughed and told me I was crazy. That's what body dysmorphia feels like. It is seeing something with your own two eyes, it is feeling it with every cell in your body, it is deeply innately knowing a truth which is disputed by the world as a lie...and that is what terrifies me. I don't understand how I can read a novel, rejoice at the colours of the rainbow and compliment the beauty of my best friend yet when I look in the mirror, the reflection I perceive is said to be a lie. Then, even if I do try to consider that perhaps what I see isn't real, I quiver at the thought that maybe exactly what I see is real yet I just don't like it and this is people's way of trying to make me feel better about it all and to accept myself as is. What if I can perceive myself perfectly as is and it's all just a lie?! I always try to remember one doctor's response to these fears, 'that is a symptom of the dysmorphia in itself, the belief that you don't have it, the belief that everyone is lying except your mind'.

I once met a fabulous guy who had body dysmorphia. His pain and suffering was tragically incomprehensible. The intensity and power of the lies his mind was telling him just truly did not make sense to me. His horrific pain (I hope and pray that he is doing well) however now has purpose in my life and that beautiful soul luckily helps me in trying to remember that he couldn't perceive himself properly even though every doctor and stranger and friend tried everything to convince him, so perhaps maybe neither can I, and maybe, neither can you. I would really recommend the BBC3 documentary 'Ugly Me' which beautifully captures the pain and irrationality of body dysmorphic disorder.

The #bodypositive movement seems to be everywhere recently which I think is so exciting and brilliant yet slightly intimidating. The concept of body love seems both magical yet, personally anyway, extremely allusive and inconceivable! At times, even body acceptance seems too far fetched, which is why for now I am striving towards body tolerance. The other day I was having a really tough time. I tried my best to ignore every mirror, camera and shiny surface, however that evening when I shuffled through the kitchen ensuring I wasn't looking at the reflective spoon in my hand, I caught a glance of my thighs and hips in the mirror and immediately broke down. Whether you can stare at yourself forever (go you!!!) or cripple walking past a shop window (I feel you honey), I believe we could all do with cultivating a more positive life long loving relationship with our one true home, our body.

The image I drew of what I believed I looked like. This is the image I still hold today and work to change.

How To Improve Your Body Image

When I was in hospital we had a weekly body image group. It was the only group we always had and was of course the one which we all absolutely dreaded. It was hard; really really really hard. Some of the exercises were, while extremely painful, transformative. Others however, like having to stand with minimum clothes on in front of a mirror and stare at yourself...were not. I recently found my notes from those groups so I thought I might share somethings with you that may spark a counteractive body thought within you or perhaps help you in your body image journey someway. PS these are my own notes and writing so I hope I am not doing anything bad or illegal by sharing some of the help and guidance I received from these classes ahh! I believe that I am truly so lucky and blessed to have received help and guidance from services and I am so aware that not everyone can access these. I hope that I can share everything and anything that I learned (whether I found useful or not) and that they may be of help to you. I wish every single person, specifically every young adult and teenager, could access this information but I hope in sharing these exercises that a change in how people view and treat their bodies may begin. You will need a pen, paper, a cup full of compassion, an open mind and a tissue (you may just cry, hopefully with tears of happiness).

Dear Body

If you could write a poem to your body, the one thing that has been with you for every single moment of your existence, what would you say? Would you scream at your thighs for not being skinny enough? Would you yell at your legs for not being muscly enough? Would you roar at your hips for not being curvy enough? Or, would you thank your legs for holding you up while you dance into the early hours of the morning with your best friends? Would you rejoice at your brain for getting you through an exam having pulled an all nighter? Would you smile at your palms for allowing you to hold the hands of those you love? Or perhaps you would apologise; say sorry for all the years that you hated it for not being enough. Or, maybe you would say nothing, maybe engaging with your body now is still too scary but at least you may have just opened up that initial space for thought and conversation. Maybe even just the idea of cultivating a more loving and accepting relationship is enough; maybe that is where the healing begins.

Image Impact

Draw a small circle, another circle around it and finally a third circle encompassing all three. In the middle write 'me', in the second perimeter write 'loved ones' and in the third write 'others'. Beginning from the side out, insert the effect of having a negative body image relationship upon each of the various titles. For example, in the innermost circle you may have 'self hatred, anger, low mood, anxiety, avoid social events, avoid photos, fearful of intimate relationships, unable to enjoy shopping' etc etc! Then work outwards until each circle is complete eg loved ones may contain 'distrust towards others, feeling left out, too self absorbed to interact fully with them' while others may contain 'perceived as a loner, inability to develop more meaningful relationships, perceived as uninterested'. I found this exercise really helpful when I did it, as upon completion, I realised that the issues within the two outer circles all stemmed from the pain of which I held within me. For example, if I could improve my body image and ability to attend group gatherings well then I would solve the problem of feeling left out and then I would solve the fear of being perceived as a loner. Apparently it is the whole point of the exercise; to help us to recognise that in order to change our life and situations, we must first change ourselves. This can be hard as while we may do everything to shift our own mindset, it can take a while for the ripple effect outwards to occur and thus we may give up thinking 'it's hopeless', however 'never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn'.

My body image impact diagram from that point in my life. 

Body Blessings

This exercise may be very similar to the body letter but perhaps your piece of personal prose had a completely different approach! This is to simply write a list with a steady beating grateful heart, of everything your body can do and has done for you. Your eyes allow you to view the magic of sunsets, your ears enable you to wake up to the sound of birds chirping (or your dreaded alarm heheh), your nose reminds you of a magical childhood memory as you walk past the sweet shop. These tiny things we take for granted, yet, such luxuries are not available to everyone sadly. Can you imagine just how much someone without the ability to see would give up just to see the faces of those they love? To make this exercise even more powerful, try appreciating the very specific parts of your body which you detest the most. It's hard and will go against every grain of your soul. Crying about my hips last night seems incredibly insignificant and ignorant now.

Shedding the Struggle

What could you lose if you ended the conflicting relationships with your body? Personally, I fear losing a sense of control, that I would let myself go and be 'happy' and 'accepting' of my features and flaws. I also fear losing my identity, who would I be without this self awarded 'I hate myself' label? My biggest fear in essence, perhaps what it all bubbles down to, is happiness...but that whole topic is for another day maybe lol! More importantly however, the question is; what would you gain if this struggle was severed? Freedom in mind, body and soul, headspace, peace, joy, better relationships, enriched experiences, ability to reach your full potential...the list goes on and on! What could you absorb or shed in growing towards the light of love?

'Listen to me, your body is not a temple. Temples can be destroyed and desecrated. Your body is a forest—thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wildflowers sprouting in the underwood. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated.'